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will be sufficient^ for the wise housewife, and people who are un- 
fortunately familiar with the unwise variety will revel in the Japanese 
houseboy's observations on her absurdities. The delightful Japanese- 
English in which the papers are written lends them a particular charm 
of their own. 

Small 12iiio. 75 cents net. 




:p 9. 8 1914 



HASHIMURA TOGO 



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Copyright, 1914, by 
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All rights reserved^ including the translation into foreign 
languages^ including the Scandinavian 



JUL 23 1914 

©CI.A374907 
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Contents 



CHAPTER 



Introducement 



PAGE 

7 
ii 



I Togo's Thursdays Out 

II Togo's Moving Day ... 19 

III Togo Runs a Furnace ... 26 

IVi Togo and the " Weak-Enders " 33 

V Togo Swats the Fly ... 41 

VI Togo Sails for Bargains . .49 

VII Togo in Bachelor's Hall . . 57 

VIII Togo at the Seashore ... 65 

IX Togo Meets Hon. Clothes Line 73 

X Togo Coaxes Down the Cost of 

Living 81 

XI Togo Becomes a Fire Hero . . 89 
XII Togo Makes Discoveries . . 97 

XIII Togo's Thanksgiving . . .105 

XIV Togo Seeks Tea and Finds Tango 113 
XV Are Turkey- Waltzing a Dance 

or a Convulsion? . . .121 
5 



6 


Contents 




CHAPTER 




PAGE 


XVI 


When Will Lady-Fashions Get 






Ashamed of Themselves? 


126 


XVII 


The Drama of Sex 


131 


XVIII 


Grand Opera in English . 


136 


XIX 


A Lesson in Eugenics . 


141 


XX 


Togo's Christmas Day in the 






Morning 


147 


XXI 


The Head of the House 


154 



Illustrations 

"You are not permitted to amuse cousins 
while working," she snib. " However, 
Nogi may remain if he help pass salad to 
Daughters of Samantha." . ,-. Frontispiece \S 

FACING PAGE 

By this warfare I broke considerable flies 
and other dishes . ... . . . . 44 ^ 

When I fetch forth raw steak and apple 
pie all require, " What the matter with 
Togo?" 60 J 

" Have he not been constantly on ice for 
2 yrs? Nothing could be fresher than 
that," depose Hon. Butcher . ,.. . 106 ^ 



Introducement to Mrs. Public 

DEAR SIR:— In reading this intellectual 
volume of words I hopes that Mrs. 
Public & Husband will realize what I 
am stabbing at. Science in kitchen, rugs, 
vacuum cleaners, babies etc is what I wish 
teach all homes. Can this be accomplish? 
Answer is, Yes ! ! For housekeeping can get to 
be a Science just like warfare and pulling teeth. 
And in each of those letters scrambled to- 
gether in this Book I show you how like a Scien- 
tist I behave ; for Scientists learns big wisdom, 
does they not, by manufacturing wicked smells, 
explosions and unhappiness. I also learn knowl- 
edge of housekeepery that way, and if occasional 
folks expire dead from eating what I cook, they 
should not get irritable. Science has its victims 
as well as warfare. 

Hon. Shakspeare, or some other great book- 
maker, say, "We learn by our mistakes. If 
such is case, then I have learned nearly every- 
thing that can be assimilated about Gen. House- 
work. I have followed considerable branches 
of this kitchen intelligence throughout U. S. 
America wherever I could find carfare. There- 
fore I have swept all this wreckage together 
in my brain and publicate them in this Book, 
which is sort of letter of recommendation to 
show how much I can accomplish when least 
required. 

7 



8 Introducement to Mrs. Public 

Frequent Professors has asked that Question: 
Why Do Servint Girls Be Servints ? I have dish- 
covered following reasons for it : 

I — To accumulate $4 weekly until wealthy. 

2 — To drink gin secretly in refined homes. 

3 — To learn politeness from being snubbed by 
Ladies. 

4 — To quit noisily. 

Still more frequent Professors require: Why 
is Reason for High Costly Living? Answer is, 
Servints. If you ask any Lady in places from 
which I have quit you will soonly find out. One 
lady called me most expensive Servint in America 
because I cost her $1302.33 for breakery of 
crockery in one week of labor. I were consider- 
able proud of that record which are seldom 
equalled, even by Swedish. 

What are purpose of this Book? To teach 
Ladies be more kind while abusing their help. 
With very apologetic thumbs I acknowledge that 
Hired Girls is not perfected like other modern 
machinery. Too many waitresses wait too long 
before obeying anybody. Too many nurses spoils 
the children. Too many cooks spoils the broth. 
Etc. Yet what could you expect for $6 weekly ? 
Not much. And you usually do not get it. This 
are very labentable state of affairs, and I am 
peculiar among Servint Girls because I never do 
less than expected of me. I usually do more. 
For instancely, if Hon. Boss Lady expect me to 
break Yz her dishes, I break all. If she expect 
me to burn up the roast, I burn down the house. 



Introducement to Mrs. Public 9 

Success in any line can be manufactured from 
such industry. 

House-ladies should continuously remember 
that Servints are only human. Sometimes 
slightly less. Nor should persons feel peev of 
temperament because Cooks only stay shortly 
when they call. Folks does not expec Doctors 
and Undertakers to stay longtime when they 
come to houses. No ! ! They got too much busy 
duties elsewheres to linger considerable with one 
customer, however much they enjoy it. Suchly 
it is with Cooks. They give so much time they 
can to each victim & pass onwards. Then why 
should they be followed with brickbatts & regrets 
when they depart for station? There is no 
answer to this question. 

During my promenades from jobs to jobs I 
have visited considerable kitchens. Some folks 
have promised to treat me like one of the family ; 
this sound deliciously sweet until I see how that 
family behaves with itself. From such places 1 
escape nearly lifeless. In my profession I re- 
semble burglars — continually entering houses 
without welcome and seldom quitting without 
taking something with me. Sometimes I take 
valuable experience, sometimes injury of eye 
which are considerable precious for teach my 
soul how to set in his place and act low down. 

Hoping you are the same 

Yours truly 
Hashimura Togo 



HASHIMURA TOGO 



Togo's Thursdays Out 

To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who 
should be found in every employment bureau 

DEAREST SIR:— While working in serv- 
ant-girlish employment of Gen. House- 
work I have endured considerable cruel- 
ties with great durability. But when ladies 
insists to pour kindness upon me, then the worm 
twists from such brutality. For thus reason I 
am now entirely disjointed from job of working 
at home of Hon. Mrs. Heneretta Hoke & Hus- 
band, Nutt Center, N. J. I tell you this historical 
event. 

When I employ this Mrs. Hoke to be boss, 
she say with Jane Addams expression, " Hon. 
Abe Lincoln freed niggero slaves sometime of 
yore; therefore Japanese servant must also* be 
considered human." 

" I do not expect such sweethearted treat- 
ment," I say for slight tear-drop. 

" I am going to commence my beginning by 
being generous to you," she encroach. " You 
may take Thursday afternoons out." 

" How far out can I take them ? " are question 
for me. 

ii 



12 Hashimura Togo 

" Plenty far," she renounce, " but not so distant 
he will not get back in time for breakfast Fryday 
morning. I give you this Thursday p. m. from 
great philanthropy of soul, so you will be able 
to work harder when you get back." 

" What amusements are proper for servant 
on this bright holidate ? " I ask to know. 

" Sometimes one way, sometimes different," 
she pronounce. " Walking, setting down, quar- 
reling, flirtating, seeing emotion-picture show, 
obtaining drunkenness, getting married or ar- 
rested — all are good ways for servant on Thurs- 
day." 

I thank her from the stomack of my soul 
and fill my brain with joy-thoughts about 
that nice date of afternoon I should spend. 
It were Monday when she say this. Each 
day afterwards my gladness become pretty plenty 
when I think what light amusement it should be. 
I fill my mentality with plans for frivolity. 
Maybe I should go to hear Rev. Dr. Soyanada 
lecture on Mr. Ibsen. Or perhapsly I might 
walk in Unnatural History Museum admiring 
skeletons. These light joys seem pretty happy — 
but O! — of suddenly I think something better. 
I should write my cousin Nogi for meet me in 
G. A. R. Cemetery where we could learn Ameri- 
can language by reading biographies on monu- 
ments. 

Thursday morning arrive up. Such beauty of 
day! Air was clear like alcohol, making blueness 
of sky which removed blueness from heart. I 



Togo's Thursdays Out 13 

never observed better day for servants to see 
cemeteries. At 11 a. m. I eloped to room for 
make slight brush to shoes & derby. 

Lunch time arrive. 

" Togo," report Hon. Mrs. Hoke, poking un- 
prepared head into kitchen, " you will be unex- 
pectedly detained at home this afternoon; so 
sorry. I shall give bridge-gamble for 48 friends 
this p. m. and 6 additional must remain for din- 
ner-eat." 

Door-slam was her next reply. 

Mr. Editor, have you ever been retained in 
kitchen, manufacturing lemonade-drunk for 
ladies while Nature stand outside whistling for 
you ? Amidst such sorrows your fingers shuffle 
their feet and your soul refuses. I attempt to 
bake cake while enjoying these pains; but you 
cannot make cake arise when your heart con- 
tains no yeast. 

All through brightness of afternoon bridge- 
gamble continue while I poke forth chocolate. 
At lateness of 11.22 p. m. 6 additional persons 
depart off from dinner-eat. I go bed without 
congratulation. 

Next morning Hon. Mrs. report to kitchen 
with shameface. 

" So careless, I forgot Thursday ! " she guggle. 

" Could you not forget Monday or Wednes- 
day next time ? " I acknowledge. 

" When Thursday comes again, remind me it 
is here," she snuggest while tucking her hairs. 

So I again enslave myself with fidelity for 63/2 



14 Hashimura Togo 

complete days. This Thursday, I think so, me & 
Nogi should see that delicious cemetery while 
brightness of weather was there. Once more I 
write Nogi, " Come meet me at kitchen, so we 
sure find each other." He reply back, " Will do." 

Next Thursday come up. More sunshininess 
of thermometer I never saw. On such days birds 
gets headaches from too much song. So I was 
prepare to elope away for slight vacation. By 
early date of breakfast I encroach up to Mrs. 
Boss and reply with butler voice, " Thursday 
have arrive ! " 

" So glad you remind me — so he has ! " she 
gosp. "If you had not speak I would forgot — 
Daughters of Samantha Stitching Society meet 
here this p. m. You must assist with salad-eat 
for 41." 

" Are this not my outside day ? " I repeat for 
slight peev of tone. 

" Be less impertinent in your impudence," she 
snagger while walking. 

I remain where was that afternoon. Yet my 
soul became so sogged he nearly dropped out. 
At 2 p. m. while I was chopping up detestable 
chicken for salad-feed, my Cousin Nogi make 
smiling knock-knock to kitchen door. 

" When shall you get out ? " he require with 
fashionable derby. 

" I am hopelessly sentenced for life," I reply 
spirally. " Set down in chairs and enjoy my 
imprisonment." 

Ring-door occur so I must lay aside my apron 



Togo's Thursdays Out 15 

and other sorrows while opening knob for as- 
sorted fat ladies. When I go back to kitchen 
and commence explaining indignation in Japa- 
nese to Cousin Nogi, then Mrs. Hoke poke her 
features in door. 

" Who that ? " she require hashly, making 
points to Nogi. 

" My affectionate cousin Nogi," I corrode. 

" You are not permitted to amuse cousins 
while working," she snib. " Howeverly, Nogi 
may remain if he help pass salad to Daughters 
of Samantha." 

Loudly crash heard when Nogi was escaping 
through window. 

Mr. Editor, Thursday Out are like any other 
form of love. If you never had it you never 
miss it. I had 2 Thursdays removed from me 
and was getting accustomed to do without. 

When another Thursday arrive up all Nature 
look cross & aggravated. Extreme cyclones be- 
gin blowing away Kansas ; trees threw down, huj, 
landslides of snow fell from heaven while wet 
rain also was there to make puddles amidst ice. 

Hon. Mrs. Heneretta Hoke arrive in kitchen 
with her face filled up from the sunshine which 
was not in sky. 

" Togo," she say so, making charity expression 
of mouth, " you have been earnestly faithful 
Japanese in bake, stew, and dish-wash." 

" I confess it." This from me. 

" Therefore I shall reward it," she sympathize 
while pointing to outdoors where nature were 



1 6 Hashimura Togo 

feeling seasick while blowing down hen-shed. 
" I give you your Thursday Out." 

" I bid you merry no thanks ! " I say it. " If 
convenient, I shall take my outing inside where 
there is less pneumonia." 

" O ! " she defy with steam voice. " You dish- 
obey my orders ? " 

" If convenient," I snagger, " I prefer my picnic 
in my bedroom where there is only one leak." 

" Shall not do ! " she howell. " Your lung re- 
quire fresh air Thursday." 

" My lung feel plenty fresh already," I insure. 

" O boneless Japanese ! " she retork. " Why 
should I be continuously thoughtful for your 
convenience ? Why should I treat you gently like 
a horse when you stand there and kick my kind- 
ness back in my face ? " 

Bang door. She popp away. 

When dishes was entirely washed off I retire 
upwards to my room with my mind full of 
vacation. This department where I slept was 
neat room for Japanese, but too small for Swedes. 
What should I do with this enclosed Thursday? 
Sleep, perhapsly, and enjoy a few nightmares by 
daylight? This seem too inappropriate. What 
then should I? 

I set on bed opposite bursted portrait of Hon. 
Geo. W. Washington while watching drop-drip 
of rain falling into wash-bowl. Pretty soonly I 
uprose and lock door. 

How should I be amused ? Then, of suddenly, 
I think it. Music! That are considered most 



Togo's Thursdays Out 17 

fashionable indoor exercise for jaded fatigue. 
So I open up trunk and got out following im- 
plements : 

I Japanese banjo of whang-string variety. 

5 complete cigars of Philippine factory. 

1 music entitled " Jolly Widow Wedding 
March." 

1 umbrella of American nationality. 

I tie umbrella to bed, so keep off drop-drip. I 
arrange myself under this water-shed, light cigar 
in teeth, put banjo in knuckles, retain music on 
knee. Then I commence beginning. Japanese 
banjos, Mr. Editor, refuse to wear American 
tunes unless forced to do so; but by practical 
continuation of pick-pick on strings I can become 
quite Mozart. I spent 2.y 2 hours at this musical 
sympathy, filling small room with more sounds 
than it could contain and almost becoming tune- 
ful, when — O startle! — knock-knock rapped at 
door. 

" Come inwards ! " I holla. 

" Can't do, and be pretty quick about it ! " 
glub basso voice of Hon. Mr. Hoke, making rat- 
tles from locked knob. " Please unlock door so 
I can drag you out." 

I oblige politely by unlatching that locker. 
Hon. Hoke rosh inward3 and stand sky-scraping 
over me like bulldogs scaring mice. 

" Why you mean ? " he thonder. " Why you 
so reptilian in depravity when kind Mrs. Wife 
are so angel-handed? Are she not entirely gen- 
erous ? " 



1 8 Hashimura Togo 

" She are quite Carnegie, I pronounce humbly. 

" Did she not give you my shoes last week? " 

" She do. I am saving them to give to some 
tramp who like ventilated soles," I oblate. 

" What are more ungrateful than ingrati- 
tude ? " he hoop. " And now this sweetish lady 
offer you Thursday which you refuse. Why 
so?" 

I point out of window where weather was 
there shooting lightning into churches while 
thunder cursed with entreme bellus. 

" I do not like this Thursday," I renig. " It is 
damaged." 

" You shall be included among the wreckage ! " 
he nash while compelling me downstair. And 
next I stood alonesome in the midst of Thursday 
which was quite drowned. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



II 

Togo's Moving Day 

To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who 
are still there, I hopes, 

DEAR SIR: — Kindly to please notice my 
detachment from employ of Hon. Mrs. 
& Mr. Anna G. Sulkz, Cornstable, N. J. 
I shall tell you how they carelussly came to 
remove their home without including me among 
furniture. 

One morning a. m. Hon. Mrs. arrive to 
kitchen and observe me singing Japanese opera 
amid dish-pans. 

" Togo/' she say it, " date of Maytime will 
soonly arrive up. May Day are come when 
nervus prostration are enjoyed by all Homes 
which must travel for their health." 

" I should like learn this education," I say it. 

" You shall," she pronounce. " Kindly to be- 
gin at oncely. Firstly you may rave through 
house tearing all pictures down and all carpets 
up. We must move on Wednesday before our 
lease stops doing so." 

" I shall obey with faithful mania," are promus 
from me. 

19 



20 Hashimura Togo 

So I do so to any extent. I seek forth with 
tack hammer and am so earnest from labor that 
entire residence look quite cyclone. Too bad 
important cow portrait hanging over piano were 
crushed by falling on that mahogany music! 
Also sorry to observe so much jugs, china, and 
ancestors bursted by striking me while I worked ! 
But what you expect ? Home are like any other 
ship. It would not be wrecked if it would re- 
main motionless. 

But Hon. Mrs. Sulkz would not agree to this 
wisdoms. When plaster cast of Mr. Dante, 
famous inferno, fell over and stroked me on fore- 
head with his sharp nose, Hon. Mrs. make loudy 
ouch. 

" Awful ! " she yellup. " Why must every- 
thing break what strikes you ? " 

" I am grieved." This from me. " If that 
poet gentleman had less soft head it would not 
explode when striking mine." 

" It were an artistic bust," she narrate while 
weeping. 

" I notice this," I reprobate while sweeping up 
small plaster fraxures from that great poetry. — 
And so onwards. 

When Hon. Sulkz, important gentleman of 
Senator Penrose resemblance, retire homewards 
that night, he look round with anxious thumbs. 

" I wish women could vote," he exaggerate, 
" because then they would get less time for house- 
keeping and home would be left comfortable once 
in a whiles." 



Togo's Moving Day 21 

Hon. Mrs. make pepper answer to this reply, 
but I were too busy dragging carpet downstairs 
by his ears. 

At lastly morning of May date arrive. I 
awoke and called me early, wishing to think 
Tennyson poem, but could not do because rain 
ensued as usual and Italian-speaking shovels was 
digging gas-hole in street amidst intense odor 
of smell. 

I hear noise of considerable " Whoa ! " be- 
front of house. Look see! Three swollen 
wagons resembling circus was there while 3 
drivers, assisted by enlarged Irish, spoke lan- 
guage to horses wearing overalls. 

I rosh downwards to open door and all Moving 
Vanners rosh inwards intending to make jiu- 
jitsu with furniture. 

" O please ! " collapse Hon. Mrs. while them 6 
Vanners looked cruelty at piano while unrolling 
their giant muscles. " O please be gentle with 
my home ! " 

" Mrs. Lady," say Hon. Boss Mover, making 
chawtobacco, " strong men are always kindest." 
With such dictation he embrace Hon. Piano with 
terrible Turkish elbows and knock off several legs 
by removing door-knob while brushing too close. 
Assisted by considerable Irish, Hon. Piano make 
crash-bang music by stumbling into Van. 

" How could you treat music so carelussly ? " 
chock Hon. Mrs. ringing her hands. 

" One cannot be a Sandow and a Paderewski 
at same moment," snuggest Hon. Boss Van- 



22 Hashimura Togo 

ner while performing slides with bed furni- 
ture. 

Pretty soonly all that Home was ejected out- 
ward into street. Ancestors, coal-scuttles, land- 
scapes, dictionary, dust-pan, etc. all waltzed down 
stairway on top of that great muscle. When 
Hon. Vanner drop bureau which crack in 2 he 
say to Hon. Mrs. Sulkz, with chivalry expression, 
" I call you to witness ; this goods is damaged." 
And so onwards. 

Pretty soonly, when that Home were com- 
pletely tied down in wagons, Hon. Mrs. arise 
upwards from her nervus prostration and say 
so to me, " Togo, can your brain do some in- 
tellect?" 

" I shall be entirely brilliant, if brain is not/' 
I promus. 

" Well, if so," she snagger, " I wish you would 
ride on front wagon with Chief Housebreaker 
and tell his brainless mind the number of new 
house where it should go." 

" Where shall it be ? " I inquest. 

" Remember this number exactly — 125 North 
Orange Street. Can your memory assimilate 
it?" 

" Doggishly ! " I insure. 

" Remember — 125 ! ! " she holla while Hon. 
Vanload chuckle off. 

This job of bossing boss make me entirely en- 
larged in my sensations which feel like German 
army. To think of! Small-down Japanese like 
me setting there in frontwheel seat dictating or- 



Togo's Moving Day 23 

ders to gigantic Irish! This show how brains 
is more muscular than muscle. 

Pretty soonly we arrive up to home entitled 
Number 125. O such landscape of expensive 
house! Front lawn extending on all sides, con- 
siderable pompus windows, goddesses in iron 
nightgowns standing near fountains, and front 
door of considerable brass resembling Senators. 
Joy inflamed my ears. How pleasure I feel to 
know that Hon. Mr. Sulkz had increased his 
salary so much he could afford to move into 
house like a library. 

While thinking this intelligence I stood forth 
and command all those enlarged Vanners like 
Napoleon moving into France. Firstly we go 
to front door of new home for open him so 
furniture get in. How strange ! Hon. Key seem 
disabled to unlock it. Howeverly much we twist 
and fubble, it make no impression on that brassy 
opening. 

" You have got wrong key," say Chief Mover. 
" But not be dishcouraged. I was once a burglar. 
Therefore I can deceive that lock into opening 
himself." 

With talented thumbs and several pocket-knife 
he stroggled & ranched until — O suddenly! — 
Hon. Door click apart and there we stood in 
grandy hall resembling theaters. 

But what I see there? Surprise! That home 
we entered were entirely filled with furniture of 
boastful appearance. Sofas, statues & gilty up- 
holstery stood everywhere looking natural. 



24 Hashimura Togo 

" Last family have been too sluggish to move 
out in time," glub Hon. Vanner. " Shall we 
throw out this proud furniture and wedge ours 
in?" 

" Not sure," I renig dubfully. " So many 
sideboards & pianos might be too heavy to throw 
very far. Perhapsly they are new instalment 
furniture bought by Hon. Sulkz to fill up." 

" Gentlemen with so much duplicate tables 
should lead double lives," grubble Hon. Boss 
Teamer. " Shall we move inwards ? " 

" With immediate quickness ! " I signify, mak- 
ing Admiral Dewey eyebrows. 

So all Moving Vanners do so with immediate 
strength. Sooner than before all that Sulkz 
home was walking into midst of grandeur which 
look quite snobbish to see so many plain chair 
& table piled up in midst of that Czar of Russia 
parlor. No room was for another piano, yet we 
pile him next. Dining-room were too much 
crowd for second table, yet we set 2 on top 
of each other. Same thing must be did with 
beds, stoves, and wash-tubs. 

When all this jobs were completely finished, 
that house look like a judge after Republican 
banquets — entirely grand, yet too filled to feel 
comfortable. 

However ! When all those Vanners say " Gid- 
dap ! " and drove away in Gen. Direction of more 
beer, I sat alonesome in house. 4 hours I await 
idly doing nothing. What had occurred to kill 
all Sulkz family that they do not come to reside 
in this new palace? I was confused. Night 



Togo's Moving Day 25 

time approach up. I could hear ghosts creaking 
under piano, so I lit $10000 chandelier in dining- 
room and ate crackers while pretending I were 
King of Portugeese expecting revolution. 

Silence was interrupted by noise. What was?. 
I heard many footprints walking into house — 
and while it was too soon to hide, 2 realestaters, 
6 police, Mrs. Sulkz, Mr. Sulkz, child & dog 
walk inwards. 

" How you get in here ? " howell Hon. Mrs. 
with voice. 

" I move in," I narrate calmly. " This are 
number you told." 

" It are right number but wrong house," she 
snuggest. " I told you North Orange Street. 
This are South Orange Street." 

" Would that make some importance ? " I ask 
out. 

" Mentality of a mice ! " she aggravate. " Do 
you not know difference between North and 
South?" 

" There are no difference," I explan with 
Abe Lincoln expression. " That were settled by 
civil war." 

But before I could complete finishing my talk, 
more civil war elapsed while Hon. Sulkz, police, 
real-estate, child & dog poke me through mixed 
furniture while I eloped away like an old-fash- 
ioned egg escaping from Dr. Ostler. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



Ill 

Togo Runs a Furnace 

To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who 
are cheaper than coal, because he warms many 
homes, price 13c. 

DEAR SIR:— Most recent job of employ- 
ment I was impeached from was home of 
Mrs. and Mr. J. W. Humburg, Pondside, 
N J. Perhapsly you can tell me why, because I 
am disabled to understand the customary habits 
of some households. 

Just a few days of yore I apply there in ex- 
treme coldness of snow. This Hon. Mrs. Hum- 
burg, dark hairs lady of muscular expression, 
approach to kitchen and observe me. 

"You are a cook?" she ask it. 

"Yes are!" I say it. 

" Then you will be expected to feed the fur- 
nace while doing so," she negotiate harshly. 

" Must I be an engineer because I am a hired 
girl ? " I requesh. 

" I guess supposedly," renig Hon. Mrs., while 
leading me to inferno of down-cellar where I was 
introduced to Hon. Furnace. This iron animal, 
Mr. Editor, lives like a very homely hermit in 
middle of low darkness. He set there in nest 
26 



Togo Runs a Furnace 2.7 

of ashes, with tin snakes growing from his fore- 
head like zinc octopus. His teeth was full of 
blazes and he would of made a nice idol for 
Japanese to worship when feeling old-fashioned. 
I could not love his face which seem too hungry 
when open and too satisfied when closed. 

" We never permit him to go out in winter," 
narrate Hon. Mrs. 

" I shall watch see he do not escape," I 
promus with Wm. Jerome eyebrows. 

Annexed to Hon. Furnace were a slight clock 
with one finger going around like taxicabs. 
" This are the steam gag," explan Hon. Mrs. 
" He are now pointing 23." 

" Do that tell age of Hon. Furnace ? " I re- 
quire educationally. 

" No, not ! " she snagger. " That indikate the 
number lbs. steam in boiler. You must be care- 
ful about that. If Hon. Steam Gag jump above 
25 lbs. that will mean Hon. Furnace have got 
too much steam on his brain and might blow up 
with Harry Thaw noise. When Hon. Steam 
Gag get too ambitious, Oh, cool Hon. Furnace 
with immediate quickness before explode up ! " 

"A Samurai janitor fears no steam!" I re- 
ject proudishly, while folding my elbows over 
coal shovel. 

Mr. Editor, I did not stoke long in this situa- 
tion of work, but I make very pleasant impres- 
sion of it. Although I enjoy thumb-scorch, ash- 
eye, and janitorial pain of spine, yet I commence 
to love Hon. Furnace for his characteristic. I 



28 Hashimura Togo 

begin to dishcover he are like Hon. Beethoven, 
famus piano-player — he got red-hot soul inside 
his homely face. It were pleasant to watch him 
eat $8 worth very hard coal and purr from sweet 
digestion. It are nice to be healthy. He seem to 
contain no meanness. When I close his mouth 
with shovel he forgive that impoliteness. He 
love to have me comb his ashes with poker. 

Pretty soonly, while doing this, I begin to feel 
like engineers running Lusitania. I decorate my 
complexion with smudges and imagine how iooo 
Newport passengers was on upstairs deck con- 
gratulating my intelligence. While thinking 
thusly I poke more coal into inflamed mouth of 
Hon. Furnace. Yet I keep my scientific eye- 
sight on Hon. Steam Gag for see he did not over- 
jump 25 lbs., thusly causing mania to explode. 

This engineerish work seem so heroic that I 
grew quite peev about merely house-maidenly 
work. Yet I was hired to do. So I perform 
them with disgust. 

While I was upstairs doing bed-make exercise, 
Hon. Mrs. incroach with sharpness of face 
peculiar to swords. 

" I am quite aquainted with Hon. Furnace," 
I say for happy smiling. 

" I notice it," she degrade, " by the thumb- 
tracks you leave on bed-spread." 

" If you would burn white coal, maybe I would 
match your delicate home more nicely," I snug- 
gest. 

She reply by not doing so. 



Togo Runs a Furnace 29 

Hon. Furnace seem more depressed that after- 
noon p. m., so I sit beside him to shovel nourish- 
ment. Hon. Steam Gag say 14, which are very 
sick temperature. Hon. Furnace look dull-eye 
like fish, and more I coaled him the less he het. 
I feed him slight soap-box for light foods, and 
by 4:11 he smile more pleasanter and commence 
eating coal. At 5:12 Hon. Steam Gag awoke 
up to taxicab work. 

Thusly I left him and go to kitchen for make 
food for rest of family. But my soul would 
not get into that kitchen work, Mr. Editor. It 
were similar to a janitor attempting to be a chef. 
It might be done, but can it? I almost nearly 
put shovelful of coal in apple-pie, I was think- 
ing so hard about what would tempt appetite of 
furnaces. 

Howeverly, I finished fashionable foods for 
that Humburg family to eat, to include con- 
siderable potatus and canned corn. Hon. Mrs. 
who went to Trenton for slight shop-buy, arrive 
back at 6 134 attached to her Husband. I observe 
that gentleman through door-hinge and notice 
his dishagreeable Wall Street appearance. He 
look entirely bear-market. First thing he do 
when approaching inside was to sneeze while 
walking to Hon. Radiator and touching him 
with diamond fingers. 

" Huh ! " This from him. " Have you em- 
ployed Hon. Doc Cook for janitor?" 

"Why so?" This from Hon. Mrs. 

" Because he makes North Poles wherever he 



30 Hashimura Togo 

goes," snig Hon. Mr. I could not assimilate this 
compliment which might be otherwise. 

I brought in dinner-food on tray and set him 
to table. When Hon. Mr. took chair he looked 
to me with serious eyesight. 

" That are nice-looking niggero boy you em- 
ploy/' he snuggest to Hon. Mrs. 

" He are not niggero," she devolve. " He 
got that complexion from being attentive to 
furnace." 

" Oh," he snagger. "If he would put more 
coal in Hon. Furnace and less on that face, per- 
hapsly I should feel less iced." 

I could not chide that denaturized man, yet 
I thought so. 

After dinner-eat he approach to kitchen and 
say : " Togo," he say with doggish voice, " fur- 
naces are made for heats. Otherwisely we would 
use ice-boxes, which is just as handsome. Any 
cook who cannot feed my furnace should be 
banished for cruelty." 

" I understand this knowledge," I report 
chivalrously. 

"Did you permit Hon. Furnace to go out!" 

" Ah, no, not I did ! " This I say. " I watch 
him entire day and give you my truthful in- 
surance he did not leave that cellar." 

" Tonight you must compel him to heat, no 
matter how desperado you act," he snarrel, de- 
parting off with bang-slam. 

At hearing such adjectives, angry rages filled 
my hair with scorn. What is so ungrateful as 



Togo Runs a Furnace 31 

ingratitude ? Nothing ! ! Had I not sat by sick- 
bed of Hon. Furnace, feeding him what stumach 
would hold? Yes! And yet this crude gentle- 
man reproach my firemanship with coolness. 

Nextly I become determined. I would compel 
that heater to a hotter thermometer if I cooked 
my soul doing so, I declare! 

So I ascend down to cellar. Hon. Furnace 
was still there doing the same. I shook him 
with considerable peev, but he merely answered 
by winking his dull coals. Hon. Steam Gag say 
18 and act like he was intending to faint away* 
I have read in novel-book about bravery of en- 
gineer who save his ship by burning it up for 
steam. I shall do similar! 

I burst up kitchen table, which should burn 
nice because covered with happy grease. Hon. 
Furnace love such foods and eat him with loudly 
roar. Hon. Steam Gag jump forwards to 19. 
Afterwards I poke in oilcloth which blaze re- 
sembling July 4 and smell more so. At this sight 
Hon. Steam Gag leap onward to 21 and that cave 
where Furnace lived become quite sun-stroke. 
And when I fetch forth excelsior-shave quenched 
with kerosene, I never observed Hon. Furnace 
chew more satisfaction. Coal I added in hodd — 
when — Oh, look ! ! 

Hon. Steam Gag had arrived at 27 and was 
pointing his reckless finger further up! This 
could not happen ! ! ! I remember how Hon. Mrs. 
had cautiously warned me that Hon. Furnace 
would get steamed brain and explode from de-> 



32 Hashimura Togo 

mentia if Hon. Gag surpass 25 lbs. Yet there 
he was approaching 30 with mean taxi-click! 

What should heroes do with such circum- 
stances? I thought lightning. Too much fire 
make too much steam, too much steam make 
blow-off. Therefore fire must quit at oncely. 
With rapid coal-scuttle I make outrush to kitchen 
sink where I fill him with water and make back- 
rush to cellar. I open mouth of Hon. Furnace, 
and embracing my elbows, throw water with 
awful strength. What did that cruel furnace 
reply then? 

WHOOSH!!!*** 

Out- jump of steam, cooked coal & atmosphere 
suppress me backwards with such rapidity that 
I hurricaned through 2 doors and 1 window, 
arriving in outside snow-bank on the seat of my 
stumach. 

" What deed have you done now ? " scram 
Hon. Mrs. from topside porch. 

"Your furnace just discharged me," I flop 
back disgustly. 

" I congratulate him," she narrate. Then she 
make earnest close-down to window, so there 
I sat surrounded by frost. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



IV 
Togo and the " Weak-Enders " 

To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who 
know how to make home beautiful by staying 
there, 

DEAR MR: — There are a vacant place to 
be obtained for bright Japanese Gen. 
Houseworker at home of Mrs. & Mr. 
Jeremia Spiggott, Flag Wave, Pa. That vacancy 
are where I am not now working. It surprise 
me. This are how it happen. 

During breakfast-table last Fryday Hon. Mr, 
Spiggott look uply from Pittsbug news-reading 
and say with voice, " Mrs. and Mr. Wm. H. Ax- 
weilder shall be here tomorrow p. m. for slight 
weak-end visitation." 

" They are both entirely unwelcome, I am 
sure," she snob. 

" If we merely asked people we liked there 
would be no hospitality," he rake off. " We must 
enjoy Hon. Axweilder's company because of 
his great wealth. If we are sufficiently delight- 
ful to him maybe he will permit me to cheat him 
in business. You will love his conversational 
talk. For so dull a man he have a most pene- 
trating mind." 

33 



34 Hashimura Togo 

" He mast have to bore me so deep," she 
snagger. " I like his wife less than equally." 

So that day she enslave me for hard house- 
work, so all shall be delightful for this disgust- 
ing visit. All day I do considerable proud bed- 
make with swollen quilts of mushy silk appear- 
ance. At lastly tomorrow p. m. arrive when 
Hon. Mrs. approach, up to me and say with com- 
mutor language: 

" Togo," she say it, " at toot of 2.22 train 
Mrs. & Mr. Axweilder will arrive in custody of 
Hon. Husband. Kindly to hitch down Sarah, 
the horse, to fashionable bug-wagon and elope 
to depot with coachman expression." 

I go forthly to horse-garage where Hon. 
Sarah stood eating his oat. So I hitched it and 
made immediate race-course to depot where I 
stood proudly clutching harness with grand 
thumbs resembling Newport. 

Toot-toot of 2.22! Three human personali- 
ties eloped forthly from Pullmanly train. One 
were Hon. Spiggott appearing full of courteous 
peev. Another was one enlarged gentleman of 
Republican expression. Another were a very 
stretched lady whose nose contained great snob- 
bery amidst eyeglass. 

" It are such pleasant change from our usual 
wealth to be trotting behind mild horseback in- 
stead of whizzing as usual in expensive otto- 
mobiles," she snuggest sweetishly as we jogg 
off. 

" We prefer this style of locomobile because 



Togo and the " Weak-Enders " 35 

of its health," growell Hon. Spiggott. Yet he 
attemp to appear hospital. 

At hallway of home Hon. Mrs. Spiggott were 
enwaiting with face containing smiles. By the 
cordial of her behavior you would think she was 
glad. " I am so hilarious to see you including 
your delicious husband ! " she holla with soprano. 
Kissing enjoyed. 

" We shall have such unaccustomed pleasure 
in these simple surroundings ! " notate Mrs. Ax- 
weilder. 

Mrs. Spiggott replied by looking iced with her 
eyes. 

" I am glad you have came on such an amiable 
day for a golluf game ! " deplore Hon. Spiggott 
putting on sporty cap. 

" Yes. It are going to rain," say Hon. Ax- 
weilder with slump voice. 

" That will make it seem more Scottish," say 
Boss man cheerly. 

" On what vacant lot have you room to play 
golluf in such a neighborhood ? " require Hon. 
Ax while they depart off looking dangerous with 
clubs. 

" This evening," Mrs. Spiggott explain to Mrs. 
Axweilder, " we are determined to give you 
dinner-party to include Mrs. & Mr. Washington 
Whack, very charmed people next door." 

" Are they related to the Whacks of Tuxedo ? " 
Mrs. Ax cut up. 

" I are not acquainted with their geography," 
glub Mrs. Boss. 



36 Hashimura Togo 

" Unless from Tuxedo they cannot live," de- 
scribe other lady. 

Mrs. Spiggott reply by thinking unpleasantly. 

" Would you not enjoy slight driveway around 
neighborhood for observe country and fresh 
air? " she require at lastly, as soonly as her voice 
ceased freezing. 

" I am always fascinated to see how the other 
^2 lives," Mrs. Axweilder shoot up. 

So I again hitch down Sarah, the horse, and 
forthly we trotted. While we elope past sweet 
gardens & landscapes that visitor continue 
gawsping : " Quaint ! How comfort people can 
be for small salaries ! " 

" Many persons surrounding here are top- 
high aristocrats ! " snarrel Mrs. Spiggott. 

" Undoubtlessly ! " snuggest Mrs. Ax. " My 
Uncle Henry lives in country residence contain- 
ing 800 rooms." 

"What are name of it — Sing Sing?" collapse 
Mrs. Madam with sweetly smiling. 

Mrs. Axweilder listen without hearing. 

At lastly we arrive up to Cemetery View. 
Country Club for slight tea-drunk. I await out- 
side nursing Sarah, the horse, for considerable 
hour. At lastly both Mrs. Ladies approach out- 
ward with accompaniment of their husbands who 
smell quite highball. Both feminines look quite 
iced as we go homeward. 

At lastly was dinner-time. I ceased off being 
coachman and became waitress, as usual. 

" We only attemp small, cozy dinners in our 



Togo and the " Weak-Enders " 37 

excluded set/' explan Hon. Mrs. while 6 per- 
sons took set-down to dinner. 

" My dining-room contains 80 people, mostly 
nobility," report Mrs. Axweilder while eating 
soup. 

Hon. Mr. Washington Whack, who set next 
by her, twist off his shirt-button from excite- 
ments. While doing so he explain how his 
family were similarly to Whacks of Tuxedo. 
Hon. Axweilder refuse to speak white feeding 
his indigestion. Hon. Spiggott steam up his 
merriment and tell college-bred tales about 
humor. 

When all foods was finished all retreated to 
parlor room where bridge-gamble was enjoyed 
till late night. At 1.62 oclock Mrs. Axweilder 
call Mrs. Whack an Ace & Mrs. Whack reply 
peevly, " Renig ! " full of scorns. All make go- 
home agreeing how enjoyment that evening was. 

At 2.1 1 clocktime, while those Axweilders was 
glad go bed, Mrs. & Mr. Spiggott set alonesome 
in parlor room where I could hear. 

" Why do you bring those buffalo kittens to 
rage around this neighborhood ? " she ask it. 
" One day more and I shall poison their foods." 

" They must get their fresh air somewheres," 
he reprieve. 

" Why should they spoil ours ? " she snagger. 

" I admit it," he jar. " What could be more 
disgusting than Hon. Axweilder ? " 

" Hon. Mrs. Axweilder," say her. So they 
go bed thinking so. 



38 Hashimura Togo 

Next morning were churchtime. 

" We have engaged orchestra seats for you at 
church," repose Mrs. Madam. " It will be great 
treat." 

" What denomino church is it ? " require Hon. 
Axweilder. 

"Methodist," say her. 

" We never go Methodist," say him. " We are 
Osteopaths." 

" Then you will be pleased to excuse us," back- 
fire Hon. Mrs. with smiling glum. " We dare 
not neglect religion for those we love." 

So Hon. Spiggotts depart for church, walking 
together like chorus girls. Hon. Axweilders re- 
main in parlor room reading pictures in comical 
supplement. 

" Why you brought me to this disgustly 
place ? " require she from him. 

" I agree," he snatch back. " We should have 
more fun going to hospital." 

When I hear this repartee I step forthly into 
room with helpmeet expression. 

" Sweethearted Weak-Enders," I say so, " ob- 
tain your hats and baggages with immediate 
quickness and I will snuggle you away from here 
before they can catch you." 

" What you mean by what you say ? " they 
require. 

" I observe how you suffer. Therefore I help 
escape." This I say. 

" I should muchly admire to go," he croach, 



Togo and the " Weak-Enders " 39 

" yet cannot because Hon. Spiggotts would feel 
sad to lose us." 

" Your sudden depart off would grieve them 
even less," I tell. " Last night they included you 
among buffaloes and mentioned poison while 
speaking of you. 

" Oh ! ! " Both stand up on their stamping 
feet. They rosh upstairs for bag. They rosh 
downstairs with it. I go to animal garage for 
hitch down Sarah. 

Pretty soonly church-bell chime forth while 
Mrs. & Mr. Spiggott return backwards from 
there. They observe their weak-end gasts on 
porch. 

" What — must you carry yourselves away be- 
fore Monday ? " require Mrs. Spiggott for sor- 
row voice. 

" Your poor but neat home is no place 
for zoological buffalos ! " stroggle Hon. Mr. 
Ax. 

" And poisonous food might be expensive from 
high price of drugs for economical persons," 
grubble Hon. Mrs. Ax. 

" Who told you this & that ? " narrate those 
Spiggotts shockly. 

" Togo did ! " say others. 

" So thanks ! " she say so for sweetness re- 
sembling flirtatious snakes. " Please continue 
your usefulness, Togo, by removing my happy 
company in time to catch the time-table." 

Soonly I arrive up to porch-step accompanied 
by Sarah, the horse. When those Weak-Enders 



40 Hashimura Togo 

and other baggage were loaded in, Hon. Mrs. 
Spiggott spoke furthermore. 

"Togo," she pronounce, "when i.ii train 
arrives up, hitch Sarah to the depot and con- 
tinue traveling by rail with my dearie friends 
who can doubtlessly afford to hire you among 
their expensive servants." 

So I spanked up Sarah with expression of one 
seeking employment where he is not needed. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



Togo Swats the Fly 

To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, noble 
editor who make fly-chasing delightful among 
national sports. 

DEAR SIR :— Last Wedsday midnight p. m. 
were historical date when I bade sad kiss- 
a-by to employment from home of Mrs. 
K. W. Pumphrey, North Bourbon, Ky. This 
were too bad accident from my helplessness. 

When I enter this sweethearted home Hon. 
Mrs. Pumphrey say me, " Togo," she relate, " I 
am most particular about flies." 

" I am sure you must raise some delicious 
varieties of these live stock," I collapse for 
chivalry. 

" O not to do ! " she renig hashly. " I would 
sooner have a tiger in my home than a fly." 

" A tiger might be more noisy," I negotiate. 

" A tiger merely contains six claws in his 
feet," she snagger, " while a fly got 10,000 
scratchers each containing 10,000,000 germs. 
From this you can estimate." 

I attemp to do so until fatigued. 

" From national science report arranged by 
41 



42 Hashimura Togo 

boss doctor of John Hopsmith University I learn 
considerable valuable diseases which come from 
flies. Asthma, miasma, phantasma, connection 
of the menbranes, loss of memory, worms (hook, 
book & ring) hydrophobia, anglophobia, colic, 
bibliography, and jaw-lock. All these are 
brought to homes from footprints of this poison- 
ous bird." 

" They should not be permitted to fly," I abhor. 

" It is not when they fly they are harmful. 
They do the damage when they land," she tell. 

" In this they are similar to aeroplanes," I 
snuggest. 

" Perhapsly ! " she combust. " At any rates, 
I give you instructions. Whenever you see a 
fly, track him to his hole and shoe him at 
once." 

" Only horse-flies can be shoed," I determi- 
nate. 

She could not assimilate this reply I said. 

" Whenever I see flies," she say furthermore, 
" I shodder, not so much for self & husband as 
for dearie Baby Alexander, who are endanger." 

" Expect me to fear nothing including flies," 
I narrate cruelly like a Samurai. 

Mr. Editor, when housewifely lady got fears 
for something she got it even when it are not 
there. I once did kitchen labor for one lady 
who imagine tramps was somewhere all time. 
When grocer arrive with order expression, she 
holla, " Tramp ! " till he say otherwise. She yall, 
" Tramp ! " when welcoming book-agent peddle- 



Togo Swats the Fly 43 

man come. One day gentleman in very tired- 
looking clothes arrive up to door. She screech, 
" Tramp ! " and quench him with hose-water. 
" I am preacher/' he yellup. " I thought you 
was tramp," she oblige. " At my salary I 
should be," he negotiate while walking away- 
ward. 

Thusly it were with Hon. Mrs. Pumphrey 
about flies. Each morning she examine fly-paper 
lovingly like mariners studying charts. 

" How much flies we caught this a. m., Togo ? " 
she ask it. 

" Six," I say it. " Five house and one butter." 

" Unloosen Hon. Butterfly," she dement. 
" We should not punish nature's lovely insex 
becouse of sins of others." 

So I grabb that lovely insex and attemp re- 
move him from his sticky toes. But when I done 
so he turn meanly and bit me on thumb with 
hot end of his poison tail. 

" That butterfly are a wasp ! " I lecture amid 
Japanese word curse. 

" Wasps does little harm," she say sweetishly. 

" What little they does can be noticed imme- 
diately," I snarrel. 

And so onwards. 

After 2f/2 days of continuous flymanship I be- 
come extremely skilful in murder. My ears be- 
came very bright by listening for flies. At dis- 
tance of 66 ft. I could hear Hon. Fly walking up 
windows. Then was time for me. My eye- 
brows containing gunpowder expression peculiar 



44 Hashimura Togo 

to Bwana Tumbo, I hide behind curtain-shade 
with cruel hand containing swat-stick. Hon. 
Fly approach, little imagining. Now and occa- 
sionally he stop and rubb his mittens together 
so they will be more ready to catch more dis- 
eases. Still I await. Of suddenly I arise uply, 
silently like eels drinking milk. And then. 
Swatts ! ! ! 

By this warfare I broke considerable flies and 
other dishes. 

Hon. Pumphrey, husband, come home saying 
scorn about flies. 

" What are so fatalistic about this bug all of 
a suddenly ? " he ask it. " In childhood of youth 
I was affectionately acquainted with flies. While 
enjoying cradle-ride of infancy, flies was allowed 
to buzz round my head like angel whispers. And 
yet I live." 

" Man who talk like that never had any in- 
fancy," snagger Hon. Mrs. with peev. 

"If folks in this neighborhood could pay less 
attention to screen door and more to window- 
lock there would be less burglary," he otter. " 6 
homes has been burglarized while everybody was 
busy snubbing flies." 

He remove one enlarged coltish revolver filled 
with bullets and lay him doggishly on table. 

" O ! ! ! " This from Hon. Mrs. 

" While you are executing flies I shall muti- 
late burglars," he narrate with militia voice. 
" And let us see who gets it first." 

" Kindly not to point him this way while doing 



Togo Swats the Fly 45 

so," elocute Hon. Mrs. Madam looking calm but 
nervus. 

Another weeks go by and I am very much em- 
bossed in my work. Once in occasionally Hon. 
Fly come walking into home on deceptive wings, 
yet I pursue. Sometime I make masher motion 
with broom & impale him flat against wall. 
Other time I allure him gently with towl so he 
flop to fly-paper where his feetsteps becomes 
glue. 

Once Hon. Fly alight downward on Baby 
Alexander nose, shaking his cruel feet, intending 
to leave 10,000 symptoms. Spank! I capitulate 
that insex by stroking Hon. Baby on head with 
apron. Yet he cry without thanks for my 
bravery. 

At lastly that house were so scarce of flies 
you could not find him without advertising. All 
day, while not sweeping other rugs, I search back 
& forthly with cruel fly-spank. Yet never a buzz 
was there. Such was accomplishment of my 
great science. 

Night of Wedsday approach up. When din- 
ner-eat was accomplished and dish-wash cere- 
mony done up, my Cousin Nogi arrive to kitchen 
for make conversation from Japanese politics 
while eating cake, kindness of Mrs. Pumphrey 
who didn't know it. Lateness of hour arrive. 
When time of 11.63 P- m - come, Nogi make 
sleepy go-home while I emerge to my bedroom 
expecting tomorrow, as usual. 

I light gass. What was? Buzz! Ah, Hon. 



2j.6 Hashimura Togo 

Fly, where was it? I turn my eyesight behind 
window-curtain — and sure enough ! There stood 
one entirely enlarged buzzer washing his front 
thumbs. 

With sneekret expression I borrow slipper 
from myself and stole forth. Crouches. Of 
finally, when Hon. Fly seem to be looking at 
his nose, I lep. Bangs! Yet he was too soon. 
He flew uply, aeroplaned circular for moments, 
and then — when less expected — start to fly out' 
ward through door. 

O ! ! This escape must not ! Slightly down 
hallway were child-room where Hon. Baby Alex- 
ander layed enjoying innocent nightmares. That 
fly must not arrive there to sting him with medi- 
cal diseases. If no hero was there to save him 
who must? I must! 

Therefore I rosh forwards with slippershoe in 
my Samurai thumbs. With talented stroke of 
match I lit gass. O yes ! There were Hon. Fly 
snuggling in air right over eyebrow of that in- 
fantile. I make talented swing to lash him with 
slipper, yet he were too collusive for me. Ere 
I could brush him dead he make slippery-wing 
motion & flew to window-curtain where he hide 
shyly like poets avoiding praise. 

I should get him yet! I crouch downly, my 
slipper raised uply. But while I do so — O look ! 
Who there? 

Standing distinctually in doorway of child- 
room I observe Hon. Mr. Pumphrey standing 
like a cold ghost in pajamas. And in his right- 



Togo Swats the Fly 47 

hand finger he held that enlarged coltish revolver. 

" What is ? " he whasper ghastly. 

" I chase one in here ! " I gollup. " He are 
now coyly hiding behind curtain of window." 

" Were he stealing my child ? " gawsp him. 

"Not yet but maybe/' I narrate. 

"Wait while I shoot/' he narrate while mak- 
ing target movement. 

" Ah not ! " I holla. " Permit me to do so. 
I have killed several with slippers." 

" How foolhardened is courage ! " he stotter 
while I lep forwards. Swatts ! ! with dareless 
heel of slipper-shoe I collided Hon. Fly so cer- 
tainly that he broke and fell amidst dead kicks. 
Prides filled my lungs. Joyly I reach downly, 
and pick Hon. Fly by fingers. 

" I save your child without expense ! " I nat- 
uralize. " Here is ! " 

" Here is what ? " he require, peevly chewing 
his breath. 

" Hon. Fly," I reject, like militia. 

"You mean say you approach in here so 
stealthly at midnights for catch flies ? " This 
from him with flashes. 

"I say it!" 

" Great Scotch ! And I thought it was a bur- 
glar ! " he say disappointly. 

" So sorry I could not find one," I gosp. 

Hon. Mrs. Pumphrey come in while she 
fainted away. 

" Next time you come into my Baby's room 
don't do so ! " she snarreL 



48 Hashimura Togo 

" Mrs. Madam," I decry, " how can you talk 
so crosswise? You tell me how slaughter flies 
for their rattlesnakish crimes, yet you say scolds 
when I do so." 

" Midnight is not fly-time," she narrate. 

" Maybe you are enraged because it were not 
a burglar," I snuggest. " Yet what is more 
horble to have in house than a fly ? " 

" A Japanese foolboy is ! " corrode Hon. Mrs. 
& Mr. in together voice while dejecting me out- 
side of screen door where I still remain, feeling 
quite dissolute. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



VI 
Togo Sails for Bargains 

To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who 
tell all American ladies what to wear, but neglect 
to explan where they can buy it. 

DEAR SIR: — I am now entirely missed 
from West Dewberry, Mass, near Bos- 
ton where it is. Reason for this are dis- 
similarity of intellect caused by Hon. Mrs. Violet 
Sweet, lovely lady with Harvard voice and bar- 
gain arrangement of soul. I show you how was : 

Last Thusday in the early a. m. of forenoon 
this Hon. Mrs. Sweet was setting with Boston 
news-print reading it up. 

" Oh ! " This from her. 

" What is ? " I require chivalrously standing 
near respectful carpet-sweep. 

" Great sales are sailing in all Dept Stores ! 
With immediate quickness I must depart off and 
buy one." 

" Can you afford this extravagance ? I ask to 
know. 

" In buying bargains I never consider costs," 
she dib with mustard voice. 

She depart offwards up stairs. Pretty soonly 

49 



SO Hashimura Togo 

she return backwards wearing fashionable hob- 
ble of clothing. 

" Togo/' she say for gently smiling, " how you 
like take vacation to day ? " 

" This would be good healthy for me." 

" I generously grant this rest to you," she ac- 
knowledge. " All I require you to do is to come 
Boston with me & carry whatever shopping I 
buy." 

I am much obliged. So we depart off by railroad 
trolley while I carry suit-case, cloak, handbag & 
umburella on my polite elbow. She set proud- 
ishly in cars while I obtain rearward seat behind 
her. Pretty soonly Hon. Conductor encroach to 
her with carfare expression. 

" I require transfers, if convenient," she com- 
mute. 

" Not to do, Hon. Lady ! " reproach Hon. Con- 
ductor. " We never give transfer on cars of 
green complexion." 

" I shall report your backward talk," she snib. 

Pretty soonly she make turn-around to me. 

" Pass me hand-bag ! " she say so. I donate 
that leather implement. 

She open him up and seek inside with nervous 
expression of ringers. 

" You lost it ? " I ask to know. 

" I cannot dishcover my golden vain-box where 
it is ! " she holla, making more looks inside. Ec- 
citement. " O here is ! " she exclam, bringing 
up one slight box resembling golden cake of soap. 
She open Hon. Suit-case, remove powder puff 



Togo Sails for Bargains S 1 

and make slight smudge to nose with that de- 
licious feather. Then she put him back in box, 
close box, imprison him in bag, close bag and 
hand him to me. 

" Give me suit-case," she pronounce. I poke 
forth that valuable arcticle. She open him by 
brass clasp. 

"Where are my hand-bag?" she require for 
frights. 

" Here is ! " I renig. She open him up to see 
if Hon. Vain Box are still comfortable, then 
close him, drop him in Hon. Suit-case, and 
thrust him backwards to me. 

Pretty soonly we make changecar at Porter- 
house Junction. We make step-up into red- 
headed street-car what await there. 

" Carfare ! " holla Hon. Conductor with police 
expression. 

"Give transfers to this gentleman!" she re- 
quire from me where I sat back. 

"Hon. Conductor neglect to give us that 
paper!" I negotiate. Her eyes was full of 
vinegar. . 

" How dares you talk repartee after losing 
transfers?" she denote. So she give ioc ex- 
travagant cash to Hon. Conductor. 

Nextly we came to Boston. Hon. Mrs. Sweet 
make her feet very determined and at lastly we 
arrive to a swollen building containing glass win- 
dows full of wax ladies resembling Newport. 
Hon. Mrs. Boss say "Oh!" with raptures and 
emerge inside. 



52 Hashimura Togo 

Mr. Editor, I never observed so many ladies 
walking circular as was inside that Hon. Dept 
Store. Wholesale quantities of female people 
was rushing elsewheres like Suffragettes who lost 
their general. 

In the meanwhiles Hon. Mrs. Boss were some- 
wheres. I could not tell. For 26 complete min- 
utes I make search-up while being knocked in 
both directions. At lastly I dishcover her by 
enlarged counter full of blue polka-dots contain- 
ing label, " DRESS SILK 19c." 

" Togo," she exclam, " where are my money? " 

" No got," I narrate. Her nose grew an- 
gry. 

" Are you so unintellectual that you do not 
know my money is in my purse in my handbag 
in my suit-case ? " 

I give her Hon. Suit-case, feeling very sorry 
for my depravity. 

Nextly we descend up elevator. On next floor 
I observed a warfare. Surrounding one enlarged 
sign pronouncing " Great Slaughter of Waists." 
Hon. Mrs. Sweet see this and holla, " O such 
happy bargain ! " Then she make inrush while 
acting like a mob. 

She attempt to remove one refined clothing 
away from a fatty lady whose hat was rye on 
her head. 

" Where you come from to act so Indian ? " 
require Hon. Mrs. Fattish. 

"From West Dewberry, Mass., more better 
place than you ! " snib Hon. Mrs. Boss. 



Togo Sails for Bargains 53 

" I shall teach you some manners," report Hon. 
Fattish making tug- jerk to waist. 

I could not see that dear Mrs. Sweet thusly 
deposed upon, so I stand forth with upturned 
bundle. 

" Stop off ! " I holla to this wide woman. 
"How darest you be rude to a lady?" 

Hon. Mrs. Boss and Hon. Mrs. Stout stand 
offward and look to me. 

" Togo," ensnap Mrs. Violet Sweet, " when 
you are called on you shall be called." 

So I withdrew backwards and permit her to 
finish that slaughter alone. Again she requesh 
me for handbag. I donate it to her. 

" I shall keep it," she dib. " You are not safe 
with valuable accumulations." 

So she give me one more swollen bundle for 
carry and proceed onwards. 

" Where I shall find dish-pan, curling-iron 
and latest fiction-book bargain ? " she require of 
Hon. Floorwalk. 

" Three floor down-side take elevator," he 
computate. We do so and arrive there where 
numerous sell-ladies was there making society 
conversation and other crashes of hardwear. 
Hon. Mrs. Sweet buy dish-pan, price 133/2C. I 
carry this. She obtain pat toaster, bird-cage & 
complete written books of Hon. Rud Kipling. I 
hang those to myself. 

" Where I find millinary hats ? " she ask out to 
Hon. Sell lady. 

" Top floor go upwards," she indicate. 



54 Hashimura Togo 

We do so. I stand back at respectable dis-. 
tance holding Hon. Bundle-package with fa- 
tigued elbows resembling Santa Claus. Hon. 
Mrs. set befront of mirror-glass attempting to, 
make herself look Vanderbilt for $3.29 price. 
She try hat with roosters pointing upwards. 

" You look very swelled for the price," say 
Hon. Sell Lady. 

" Took it away ! " commit Hon. Mrs. She try 
hat with roosters dropping downwards. 

" So joyful appearance!" suppose Hon. Sell 
Lady. 

" Remove it ! " snib Hon. Mrs. 

At lastly she choose hatwear with roosters sur- 
rounding it in circles. Hon. Sell Lady enwrap 
it in box resembling trunk and this are piled on 
top of me. Thusly we start homewards. 

At doorway Hon. Mrs. say, 

" Oh ! I must buy a pin, price 3c ! " She elope 
to counter and do so. 

Mr. Editor do you realize to know how diffi- 
cult a pin can be ? For 41 complete minutes we 
await that important sticker, then Hon. Mrs. 
must change $5 bill for remove 3c change out. 
At lastly when we arrive to trolley outside, Hon. 
Mrs. require, 

"Togo, shopping are very outwearing work." 

" I heard so," was loud report for me while 
restraining Hon. Hat Box where he slid on my 
ear. 

At lastly we was in Porterhouse Junction set- 



Togo Sails for Bargains 55 

ting in depot awaiting changecar. Of suddenly 
Hon. Mrs. holla, 

" Oh ! ! ! " 

"What was?" This from me. 

" I have lost Hon. Handbag. Elope back to 
Dept Store with immediate quickness and re- 
move it from pin-counter where is." 

I set down all them bundles in pile resem- 
bling an Alp. Then I attach myself to Hon. 
Trolley and ride back to where she say. 

With Samurai elbows I sidle myself through' 
them broad ladies in Dept Store and arrive 
up at pin-place. Oh Yes ! There were that dear 
Handbag laying loosely amidst pile of needles 
signed " 4c." I pick him up and start offwards. 

While I was debutting out of door with Hon. 
Handbag on my proud wrist, one gentleman clasp 
me by coat. 

" You are a shop snatcher ! " he acknowledged 
glubly. 

" I cannot assimulate your insult," I renig. 

" Where you obtain Hon. Bag?" he snuggle. 

" He belong Hon. Mrs. Boss who is there ! " 
I snagger. 

" Come long to penitentiary ! " he gubble, 
making dragging movements with my wrists. 

" Hara kiri ! " I yall, and before he could be 
more abominable I give him jiu jitsu and knock 
him over a bargain. Then I commence eloping 
away with talented foot-steps. 

" Stop Mr. Thief ! " several human persons 
holla, and nextly I knew I were a runaway with 



56 Hashimura Togo 

Boston attempting to catch up. I am a very 
sly Japanese, Mr. Editor, and when I was suffi- 
ciently entangled amidst streets I redoubled on 
myself and escape away to other sections of 
Boston where crimes was not noticed. 2 com- 
plete hour of time I hid there amongst flats. 
Then I emerge forth and catch redheaded trol- 
ley so I should meet Hon. Mrs. at Porterhouse 
Junction. 

" Why you not stay all day ? " she require 
sarcastly. 

" Should gladly do so, but Hon. Police pre- 
vent," I advocate. 

" You got my handbag where was ? " 

" Yes, please ! " I gave it forth to her. She 
look at it with disjointed eyes. 

" Living sakes ! ! ! " This from her. She en- 
joy deep gasp and faint off. By slight water-sip 
I revive her back. 

" Damaged remnant of heathenish immigra- 
tion ! " she gollup, holding forth Hon. Bag. 
" Where you snatch this article of luggage ? " 

"Off from Hon. Pin-Counter," I say so. 

"I never seen it before. It belong to some- 
one else ! " 

Thusly revolving she fainted out again. So 
I left her to enjoy it by herself and sklunk away 
feeling entirely impossible. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



VII 
Togo in Bachelor's Hall 

To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who 
must believe in shooing bachelors from neat 
homes with other Hies and mice. 

DEAR MR. SIR: — If you make inquiry for 
me at home of Hon. C. J. McGumm, Phila- 
delphia, N. J., please do not go there, be- 
cause needless to find me where I no longer am. 
I changed my mind from that job of employment 
for reason I say here. 

Hon. Mrs. C. J. McGumm are blondface lady 
of considerable young years and very goodhouse- 
keeping mind. Her Hon. Husband (of similar 
name) are the only untidiness she cannot sweep 
off from carpet when attacking cleanliness. 

" Why are you so rubbish, Hon. Darling ? " she 
require each nightfall when he retreat home from 
ofhce with tired business appearance. " When 
you are in house all furniture cease to act obe- 
dient like it should and everything become de- 
ranged apart. Door-knob then become hat-rack 
for your derby, your coat wanders to sofa and 
fall asleep, while shoes will be found under piano 
kicking mud/' 

57 



58 Hashimura Togo 

He act entirely sugar to her. He reply to her 
inquiries by kissing expression of mustache, and 
they talk dove-dove language, which explain 
everything by not doing so. 

But at lastly explodes came. 

" Must marriage always be a cyclone ? " she 
require one morning a. m. when he threw news- 
paper in gas-log with negligee expression. 

" Hon. Heartsweet ! " he snuggest, " I wish 
be comfortable in my own home." 

"So ha!" Weeps enjoyed by her. "Then 
you do not love me some more ! " 

" Why is ? " he repostulate. " Must I prove 
adoration by acting miserable around house ? " 

" You are becoming more detached from me 
each day, I notice," she lamentalize. " I can tell 
by your easy, smiling manner that you think of 
me too seldom. You break my house rules con- 
tinuously. Instead of setting in hard, cheap 
chairs, you occupy wedding plush rocker, price 
50$, which should be used only by society when 
it calls ; you make smoke-cigar whenever you feel 
smoky; all time you read prize-fight instead of 
talking love to me, and each meal you demand 
apple pie with insurgent expression." 

" But I like apple pie," he snuggest. 

" Formerly you loved nothing but me," she 
snatch. " Now you forget you are married." 

" Must I refuse to eat because married ? " he 
snagger doggishly. 

" So ha ! " she dib for pain. " If that is where 
your thoughts are staying, then all must cease; 



Togo in Bachelor's Hall 59 

Farebye! Henceforthly you shall find me % 
Mother." 

She arrange hat with traveling expression and 
make bang-out from door. 

While she depart off Hon. McGumm stand 
by window-glass looking very Romeo. Sadness 
snowed from his ears and chin. Then suddenly 
he resolve around, making humorous smiles re- 
sembling tickled hyenas. 

" Ha, ha," he say so. " Tee Hee and Ho. She 
imagines to think home cannot be properly 
heated without a woman. She thinks shucks. 
Togo, we show her how. We shall now run 
this house man-style instead of lady-style. 
Bachelor Hall are only proper residence for male 
gentlemen." 

" I am agreeable for this," I report fearlessly. 
" How should we begin changing the sex of this 
home ? " 

" Signs of refinement should be removed with 
immediate quickness," he devolve. " Remove 
ribbons & home-sweet-home portraits from wall 
and order 6 cases beer. In attic you shall find 
complete college-boy outfit of Indiana clubs, box- 
gloves, and love-me pictures. These shall be ar- 
ranged in parlor to resemble saloon and other 
outdoor sports. Prepare for dinner-eat tonight 
10 lbs. complete beefsteak & 9 apple pies, served 
with poker-chips and onions. To night at 7 p. 
m. I shall give annual banquet to members of 
Yamma Yamma Fraternity of which I was a 
joiner in days of manhood." 



60 Hashimura Togo 

" I shall do so with all the crudeness of my 
nature," I alarm. 

" Banzai & hurrah ! We are free ! " holla Hon. 
McGumm while he depart to office looking happy 
but lonesome. 

Mr. Editor, you scarcely could imagine how I 
work to make that tender home look tough. Up 
in top-garret I find considerable Yale tools. One 
university row-paddle, 6 box-gloves, college pen- 
dulums with hurrah-rah signatures on it, por- 
traits of class days, dogs, chorus-girls, and other 
prizefights all signed " To Darling Chas." Also 
several German-speaking beer-gobblers and one 
landscape representing Hon. Gaby des Lys at a 
horse-race. 

I fetch these to downstairs. 

From parlor-room I took considerable art, rep- 
resenting several mother-portraits, portrait of 
" Innocence " representing childhood playing 
romp, portraits of an Alp by Aunt Sapho Lutz 
and considerable photo of McGumm uncles en- 
larged from their ancestry. Also fire-screen con- 
taining gilt, and tidy-cloth embroidered with ar- 
tistic yarn. Also red splush albuum and several 
framed-up mottos from Shakespeare, Elb Hub- 
bard & Genesis. 

I fetch these to upstairs. 

With considerable talent resembling dry-goods 
draping windows, I derange decorations for that 
parlor-room. I pile beer-bottles to piano and 
fill jardenair with cigars. A rude house motto 
reporting " CAMELS ONLY DRINK ONCE 



Togo in Bachelor's Hall 61 

IN 78 DAYS BUT ENJOY IT LONG TIME" 
I sat on mantelpiece where portrait of Hon. 
Ralph Woodrow Emerson once were. Hon. 
Punch Bag I roped from chandeleer, while land- 
scapes representing actor-ladies, dogs and other 
glee clubs I disarranged esthetically where was. 
I set parlor table with food-plates and decorate 
him in central middle with box-gloves and col- 
lege pendulum containing joy-cries. Poker-chips 
by each plate. 

That room look considerable unmarried when 
I finish him. 

At promptness of six o'clock I elope to kitchen 
and commence mingling steak with onions. At 
6.22 I hear war-song resembling feetball, and, 
peaking fourth from kitchen, I observe Hon. C. 
J. McGumm bringing home a Varsity. 

" You remember that dreary date of '99 when 
I bursted your collar-bone ? " require one polar- 
bearish gentleman hugging Hon. McGumm till 
I heard him crack. 

" Them were hilarious days," commute Hon. 
Boss. " Let us give rah-rah." 

They do so, while plaster jar loose from spoken 
song. 

When I fetch forth raw steak and apple pie, 
all require, " What the matter with Togo ? " 

" Nothing, no more than usual," I snop for 
dignity. This seem to make them still more 
thirsty, so beer was sipped amidst Yamma 
Yamma congratulations. That ceremony were 



62 Hashimura Togo 

done very quietly while tablecloth was burning 
from heated cigarette. 

" There was nothing to equal bachelor enjoy- 
ment," explain Hon. C. J. McGumm while doing 
so. 

" Nothing," report one Taft-shape athlete. " I 
announce my engagement to Miss Tessie Dew- 
berry." 

" We also shall marry in springtime," pro- 
nounce 2 others distinctually. Slight glum settle 
over all until basso quartet make song-sing en- 
titled " Soldier's Farewell," which add more 
jolly. 

" Let us play penny-aunty as in oldtime date," 
snuggest Hon. Boss. So they do so with con- 
siderable card. 

Mr. Editor, I cannot understand this gambol. 
It are like golf, a game spoken in a foreign 
language. 

Considerable pile-up of poker-chip was en- 
joyed while one man say " I see you ! " yet look 
other way. They set for long lateness gossiping 
about Aunty amidst click-click noise. It seem 
very tame exercise, less cruel than feetballing, 
but more expensive. 

By one a. m. time my eyes got hypnotized 
from watching this straight-flushing amusement, 
so I retired my head on chair and slept away. 

At 3 a. m. by clockwork, I awoke upwards 
with basso quartet retreating off with song-sing 
entitled " Good-night, Lady!" Yet I could not 
see her. 



Togo in Bachelor's Hall 63 

Next morning 8 a. m. Hon. Boss Man say he 
no care for breakfast in dining-room because 
it make him feel destitute. So he took egg and 
coffee in kitchen. He say he would be home 
indefinitely, so he depart off for office seeming 
entirely unmarried. 

I took look at the appearance of that bachelor 
parlor. Considerable rumpage was observed 
there. Quite several cigars had remained where 
they dropped and 26 bottles stood by gas-log 
looking quite vacant. Portraits of dogs & glee- 
clubs hung on wall in unequal position, resem- 
bling sea-storm. 

What must I do with this room? I think 
Hon. Boss had told me whether Bachelor Hall 
should ever be clean. Maybe not. It certainly 
look less ladylike than ever in this deranged con- 
dition. Perhapsly Hon. Boss should be entirely 
enraged if I attemp to broom & dust this com- 
partment he had took so much pains to mascu- 
lify. 

So I set by table, lit slight cigar, and read 
pugilist paper while upturning my feet. As 
thusly I reclined I did not hear something com- 
ing in front door. 

" O! !!**??" 

I peek upward. There stood Hon. Mrs. looking 
less peaceful than hornets. 

" Hashimura Togo, what species of brutal de- 
butchery have you been doing in my absentee ? " 
she snarrel. 

" I no do !" I say so. " Hon. Husband do ! " 



64 Hashimura Togo 

" Do not add untruthfulness to your false- 
hood," she snuggest snap-turtlefully. 

" I have read in papers about the distrust- 
worthiness of Japanese servant-girls. But now 
I know. O ! ! ! I leave my poordear Husband 
for you take care of. And thusly you neglect 
him. How he must suffer ! " 

She cover her hands with her face. 

" I swear it, Mrs. High Boss, your Hon. Hus- 
band—" 

" Do not swear before ladies," she snib. " Now 
depart away while I faint." 

I do so feeling entirely decapitated. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



VIII 
Togo at the Seashore 

To Editor Good Housekeeper ^ Magazine 
who know how cook delicious varieties of sea- 
shells. 

DEAR MR. :— Among the fresh air at Sand- 
flea Beach, Conn., employed by Hon. Mrs. 
& Mr. Liddbeater, I am no longer to be 
found at that address. If some one could find 
a seashore without an ocean attached to it I 
should be more happily to remain. 

Nikkamura Japanese Employment Agcy send 
me there, where I arrive to smiling blue porch 
setting alonesome amid winds. The internals 
of that house resemble bleached almshouse, yet 
Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater say she were fortunate to 
obtain it in fashionable location price 200$ 
monthly. 

" While by seashore we love the tough sim- 
plicity of life," she snuggest with sweat-hearted 
expression. " We must pay expensively for our 
discomforts here, yet we are prideful to do 
so." 

" This place resemble Coney Island, yet less 
fashionable," I report for compliment while ob- 
65 



66 Hashimura Togo 

serving girl-i-gig machinery on beach, candy, 
flirtatiousness and clams while Hon. Ocean 
bounce up suddenly making suds. 

" It are splandid place to come for rest," she 
report. " Now kindly to fetch 8 trunks upstairs, 
split wood, lynch hammock on porch, and de- 
liver 14 buckets water from artizan well 11 
blocks up street. When this are finished lunch- 
ing can be prepare for 10, rugs beat, and ice- 
cream friz for party to-night." 

I thank her and feel sure I shall enjoy this 
vacation from work. 

These Liddbeater family have got two (2) 
children of assorted sexes, age 17 & 18 respect- 
fully. Eclaire are girl name and Oliver his. 
Both wear very giggling clothes and love to be 
engaged. She got Stanhope Whifflebudd, de- 
liciously matinee boy, for hers, while Hon. Oliver 
obtain sweetheart attention from Hon. Bluebell 
Vawk, youngly lady of extreme tango. 

All those frivolled young persons take rest by 
not doing so. Each evening they must attend 
Prof. Pffuster's Waltzing Academy for more 
education in new Max Itch dance, which are all 
the enrage. Daytime they must enjoy tennis- 
play, walking, quarreling, and other excitements. 
Only time they remain quiet is when they go 
swimming, for this they can do by laying on 
beach under umburellas. 

But when Fryday night arrive up my vacation 
become considerably more entangled. From out 
from depot emerge Hon. Mr. Liddbeater with 



Togo at the Seashore 67 

tired business expression while reading Wall 
Street news from paper. 

11 Markets are decomposing rapidly while I 
am here," he snuggest. " Unless I rest very 
laboriously I must go back to my unhealth." 

" What shall we do to make you feel entirely 
idle ? " require entire family together like chorus- 
girls. 

" At 4.06 tomorrow a. m. high tide shall arise 
and codfish will be biting viciously," he say so. 
" Therefore we go fishing." 

Groans by all. 

" Maybe you prefer to enjoy your seasickness 
alone," renig Hon. Mrs. Madam with Pankhurst 
expression. 

" Darling, I could not," he reprieve. " I am 
determined to share my pleasures with my family. 
Therefore we arise upward at 3.30 to be prompt 
with hooks." 

That midnight was night for party where I 
friz ice-creams, served slight rabbits of Welsh 
birth, assisted chairs where tangos was jumping, 
play " Robt. E. Lee Polka " on pianola, and was 
otherwise considerable talented. By 2.26 I re- 
tire upwards to my box bedroom under cooked 
roof, where I remained outside my dreams till 

3-3i. 

At 3.30 come tap-knock to door. 

"What is it?" I require with startle. 

" 3.30 ! " holla Hon. Liddbeater voice out there. 
" Arise to go fish ! " 

" Do fish get up so early ? " I ask to know. 



68 Hashimura Togo 

" They bite best this hour," he explain. 

" I should also bite ! " I snarrel. 

" I do not pay you to make injurious com- 
ments," he snudged while I hastily coat & pant 
myself for day labor. 

All was there awaiting for breakfast with ex- 
treme appetite. When this devouring was fini 
ished Stanhope and Bluebell arrive up with 
flirtatious hats expected to attract fish. 

" Togo," demand Hon. Liddbeater like Na- 
poleon, " while we fish you shall go along and 
whittle bait. Also prepare lunching for 10 and be 
very impromptu about it." 

I do so and we nextly go to shore where I 
must carry complete lunching including baby and 
umburella. Pretty soonly we arrive to detestable 
whaleboat being kept by salted gentleman re- 
sembling damaged admiral. 

"Will this boat hold 12?" require Hon. Boss 
Man. 

" So easily ! " corrode Hon. Navy. " It were 
built for six." 

Therefore all was compressed in while we chug 
with gas-perfumery to central middle of ocean. 

" I have feeling of slight squash," narrate Hon. 
Bluebell when we were five miles among rolls. 

" I hold your hand for it," report Hon. Oliver, 
looking pale but poetic. He do not seem to ac- 
complish much medicine by this. Hon. Bluebell 
become yet bluer. 

All the ocean seem to tip up on one side as 
if it was going to spill into California. Some- 



Togo at the Seashore 69 

thing inside my interior stumack seem to speak 
of my dead ancestors. And look ! Each stylish 
person of that cruise begin concealing their hap- 
piness by laying down on it. Groans. Yet Hon. 
Liddbeater continue to make happy cheek and 
smiling lip resembling Hon. Edw. Foy seeming 
comic. 

At lastly he motion Hon. Salt Gentleman to 
choke his engine. 

" This are the exact patch of waves where 
Thos Cod came to chew their cud," he explaned. 
" Therefore, Hon. Capt. stop boat. Togo, while 
all other fishermans lay dying, you shall cut baits 
attractive to fish." 

" If convenient, Mr. Sir," I bereft, " I should 
prefer to join the other groans." 

" Continue to fish-hook or I discharge you ! " 
he dib. 

"If you would discharge me back to shore I 
would bless you in Japanese," I gargle. Yet he 
horribly threw me clams, unhappy mammals 
which I must amputate with dull knife while 
spearing them with disgustly hooks. 

Hon. Liddbeater lit pipe of very enraged 
smell. Groans by all. 

" Nothing like pipe-smoke while fishing ! " he 
say for smiles. 

" I notice," is feebly voice from me. 

Pretty soon Hon. Boss make electric move- 
ment with wet string. He bite pipe more cruelly 
while hailing in one enraged cod who mock him 
with angry mouth. 



yo Hashimura Togo 

" A beautiful fish ! " he yellup joyly. " All see 
it!" 

All those sicknesses report " Um " with un- 
happy nose. 

" Are he not beautiful fish ? " he ask it to me. 

" Perhapsly when younger/' I disengage while 
holding my head on. 

Of suddenly Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater arise up- 
wards from pillows like a fried snake. 

" For sake of your children," repeat her, " I 
ask you to cease making clams and people and 
Japs and fish miserable for selfish joy of your 
depravity. Put us somevheres where we can 
run away." 

" Fishing cannot be accomplished by running 
away," he deploy with Samurai expression. " I 
never depart off until I have caught 14." 

" O ! ! " yellup Eclaire looping beside Stan- 
hope and looking less engaged than usual. 
" Drowning would be painless after this." 

" If you drowned I could save you," dictate 
Stanhope looking very pale Yale. 

" Any shipwreck would be welcome," mone 
Oliver greenishly. 

"Will nothing stop off your mulish fishing?" 
require Hon. Mrs. waking up from her death. 

" Unless the boat sinks I shall stay remaining 
here until I catch 14," he growell. 

That ocean now look entirely double to me and 
I could feel my courage rolling around inside my 
lung. 



Togo at the Seashore 71 

" If the boat sink I be much obliged ! " gaggle 
all together like chorus-girls in hospital. 

" I know how ! " I holla with suddenness of 
intelligence. " By preparing to swim you shall 
snub those 14 codfish ! " 

Thusly exclamming, I lept uply & grabb ham- 
mer where it layed sleeping beside lunch. With 
nimble ankles peculiar to heroes I jump to bung- 
plug in central middle of that boat. Whacks! 
Uply sprung plug quite corkishly and next came 
huj sprout of salt Atlantic approaching inside 
like giganterous fountain. 

" Brainless species of mice ! " reproach Hon. 
Mr. while attempting to brush out ocean with 
heel. Yet already Hon. Boat resemble bath-tub 
where all set in lake. Alarming wakefulness 
from seasickness was next to arrive and — before 
I could acknowledge — each person make flop- 
splash to water including me who was there 
amidst swimming while Hon. Boat turn over on 
his nose and float up-down. 

I save Hon. Mrs. Liddbeater, lady of large 
tonnage but considerable floatage. Hon. Oliver 
save Hon. Bluebell. Hon. Liddbeater save him- 
self. Hon. Eclair save Hon. Stanhope. Hon. 
Captain save Hon. Bottle. So everybody were 
quite comfortable, thank you, hooking their nails 
to stumack of that boat. But where was room 
for me ? I continue onwards splashing doggishly. 

"Why should it?" I holla with water-spouts. 
" I save you from sick-death and yet you will 
not support me on your floater." 



J2 Hashimura Togo 

" Get off of ! " snagger Hon. Mrs. giving me 
crude push with heel while I attemp to sclutch. 

" Did I not stop fish-catch ? " I bubble f rog- 
fully. 

" We can be sifficiently miserable without 
you ! " narrate Hon. Oliver while making water- 
polo across my head. 

" You are discharged ! " howell Hon. Lidd- 
beater. " Report to my office in New York for 
your payment." 

I hear this ingratitude with extreme compres- 
sion of soul. How difficult it are to be useful 
when not required to do so ! Therefore I would 
snub them with my immediate departure. 

Thinking thusly I struck offward in gen. direc- 
tion of New York and when lastly seen I feel 
very free, although expecting to be drowned. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



IX 
Togo Meets Hon. Clothes Line 

To Editor Good Housekeeper, who help make 
civilization with soap. 

DEAR MR. : — Another place where I am no 
longer at is Rahway, N. J., working for 
Mrs. H. Griddle, cultured lady. 
I tell you why I am removed. 
This Mrs. Griddle to who I came determined 
to do Genl Housework, have got considerable 
musical ambition inside her voice. She do all 
her housework at the piano. For continual hours 
each day she set there making soprano, compel- 
ling her voice to do following gymnasium: 

AH 
yi yi 
yi yi 

Hi ah!!! 

More of this is to be continued. She say vocal 
culture require great endurance. She contain 
more of this noble quality than I can. 

Washday arrive up to Griddle home by each 
Monday a. m. when Hon. Maggie Kelley ap- 
73 



74 Hashimura Togo 

proach to laundry prepared to drown all clothing 
in suds. This lady, who contains 6 feet com- 
plete muscle, is a scrubber of great talents. She 
say she was deprived of her husband several 
years of yore, because he beat her frequently. I 
should like to observe that athleetick gentleman. 

A wash lady is something I prefer not to be, 
above all professions. 

But last Monday it was arranged for me. 

" Togo," dictate Mrs. H. Griddle, stopping her 
soprano sifficiently to speak, " you will kindly 
give ade to Hon. Maggie today in clothes wash 
ceremony." 

" O thank you not to do so ! " I declare with 
pathos. 

" Why so ? " she snagger with Mary Garden 
expression. 

" This Hon. Maggie treat me without chivalry. 
How could I be assistant scrub beside her 
haughty actions ? " I resolve. 

" Either do so or deprive yourself of this job," 
she holla, departing off in high Key of C. 

I find Hon. Maggie lady in laundry preparing 
to suds. Redness appear from her hair and arms 
while she look to me with cross expression pe- 
culiar to a eagle watching an angly-worm. Then 
she lift wash-boiler from stove showing energy 
like Sandow juggling automobiles. 

" Jap," she reproach. 

" Yes, Sir ! " I pronounce. 

" Was you sent here to look beautiful or to be 
helpful?" she ask out. 



Togo Meets Hon. Clothes Line 75 

" Not sure — Mrs. Boss did not instruct me 
which to be," I report. 

" I will instruct you ! " she growell like a lady- 
menagerie. " Become busy as soonly as possible. 
You will find a clothes-ringer annexed to yonder 
tub. Attach yourself to the handle and ring the 
cloths earnestly until I tell you quit." 

She point to one slight machinery resembling 
a hand organ with pianola rolls. I wind this 
instrument continuously. Nothing evolve. 

" O Mrs. Madam, I cannot hear the bell ! " I 
suggest. 

" Which bell please ? " she otter. 

" You tell me to ring the clothes, not so ? " I 
ask it. 

" I despise you for your yellow mind ! " she 
dib. " Clothes does not ring when you ring 
them ! " 

I could not assimilate the way she said it. 
She lift several drowned clothes from the tub and 
show me with considerable muscle how to squash 
them through those rollers. Clothes, however 
wet, can be sent through that machinery and 
emerge forth with great dignity like flat snakes. 
I turn crank handle continuously while Hon. 
Maggie make poke-in with wettish clothing. I 
enjoy great pain in my wrist and elbows, and 
when I commence to quit, this laundered female 
say " Faster " with bull dog expression. 

Pretty soonly I lay down my hands and stop. 
Her mad eyebrows snub me. 

" Hon. Mrs. Wash," I renig, " why should 



j6 Hashimura Togo 

you be more cross and peeved than other per- 
sons?" 

" Togo," she say so, " my duties require it. 
Cleaning things is a job full of tragedy and other 
grouch. It would be unnatural to laugh while 
washing. Clothes is pleasanter to wear, but un- 
pleasant to scrub. It is similar with everything. 
Dishes is joyful to eat from, but nobody admire 
them when hour of dishpan arrive. Nobody 
love Monday, because it is sacred to splash and 
suds, yet if Monday was abolished by Congress, 
there would be no beautiful society on Satur- 
day night." 

" Can't some variety of soap be invented with 
more poetry in it ? " I require. 

" It could," she dib, " but it would probably 
be useless to take the dirt out." 

Hon. Mag fill tub with artistic color from blue 
bottle. 

" While you are idle you can do something ! " 
she holla suddenly like a steam whistle. 

" How could I do something when idle?" this 
inquiry from me. 

" You see that baskett of clothes? " She point 
forth to one baskett full of complete whiteness 
like a bushel of damp ghosts. 

" I observe what is." 

" Take them immediately for hang-out ! " she 
otter with gloom. 

" What should I hang them out from ? " I 
require. 

" Maybe you are not acquainted with clothes- 



Togo Meets Hon. Clothes Line JJ 

line ! " she say sarcastly while she led me forth 
to back yard where she introduce me to this use- 
ful rope. " If I knew I was to come to this place 
to be washing-instructor, I should demand teach- 
er's salary," she pronounce glubly. 

" That would be nice job for deserving 
widows," I say for politeness. Yet she seem less 
ladylike. 

" To hang clothes," she instruct, " you must 
first lift them one at a time from the baskett, 
grasping them by both ears — thusly." She show 
how. " You shake him twice, snap — snap ! " 
She demonstrate this with considerable clothes- 
shake. " Then you buckle him to line with a 
clothespin on each ear." She fill her mouth with 
clothespins, and then she lift one tablecloth by 
his ears, shake him brutally with her pugilistic 
hands, and nail him to clothes-line like she said so. 

" You got sifficient strength enough to do 
this ? " she require snapply. 

" Maybe-so, yes," I report. 

" If not, I give you the prize ! " she say, elop- 
ing to house without telling me which prize she 
meant. 

I put all my intellectual mind on this clothes- 
hang job. It seem to be light, agreeable job for 
Japanese Schoolboy — simply to lift a clothes 
by his ears and glue him to rope with clothespins. 
But suddenly I was reminded. That Clothes- 
line was yy 2 feet in highness, while I stood 
merely 5 feet in lowness. How should I get up 
there without flying machinery ? 



78 Hashimura Togo 

I observed a step-ladder sleeping quietly by 
kitchen window. It was a very diseased-looking 
furniture with lameness in one leg and several 
ribs fractured by too much exercise in open air, 
yet it was a step-ladder. I removed this piece 
of stairway to underneath clothesline where I 
put him. Then I poked six (6) clothespins in my 
mouth like wooden cigars. Then I took one 
pillow case from baskett, shook him rudely by 
his ears and ascended upwards. Hon. Ladder 
wubble on his sore leg, yet I enjoy no fear, be- 
cause I am a brave Japanese. With gestures of 
extreme courage I pin Hon. Pillow Case to that 
stretched string where he clung with beautiful 
purity peculiar to washing. 

I began to love this clothes-hang performance. 
It seemed so nice and healthful to do housework 
outdoors amidst backyard scenery and gentle 
summer breeze. It was very superior pleasure 
for me, making up and down hops on that lad- 
der with agility resembling birds. 

So I continued onwards near my duty. With 
extreme earnestness I suspended following cloth' 
ing where they hung lynched upon line : 

i tablecloths (slightly dragged on ground, yet 
quite pale). 

9 towels (one of them dropped, but was nicely 
brushed afterwards). 

3 sox. 

4^pillow-case. 

While standing tip-top on that ladder I was 
enabled to observe Nature. It are wonderful 



Togo Meets Hon. Clothes Line 79 

how tall a short Japanese feels while standing 
on a ladder! I could distinctly see over fence 
into next yard where Hon. Swede lady employed 
for cook by Mrs. J. C. Camel was making flirting 
conversation with Hon. Ice Man. I also ob- 
serve Hon. Cat obtaining slight refreshment of 
cream-pitcher from window while that Swede 
was too interested. I stood in joyful trance hold- 
ing wet sheet while biting clothes-pin like wooden 
sigars. It make such inexpensive enjoyment for 
cool summer day to stand on ladder beholding 
other folk's business! 

In the midst of everything Hon. Swede Lady 
turn off suddenly and see Hon. Cat. She made 
rude " Shoo ! " with voice, and Hon. Cat were 
so offended he fell from window in the midst of 
milk pitcher and extreme breakage. With imme- 
diate quickness he made rabid scoot for fence 
with tail enlarged like a comets. " I shall attach 
him for you ! " I holla to Mrs. Swedish — but 
soonly as I did so — O calamity ! ! 

I lean too forward and Hon. Ladder stub his 
toe and broke lame leg with loud scrash! Be- 
reaved of my support I make wildly grabb for 
atmosphere, Hon. Clothesline was where I struck, 
so I clasp him with tense affection. And there 
I was, hanging among clothes, swinging my legs 
with motion peculiar to wet stockings. Hon. 
Maggie Kelley observe me in this dangled con- 
dition. 

" Git downward ! " she snuggest. 

Before I could reproach back, Hon. Rope 



80 Hashimura Togo 

bursted and I was anticipated to ground so 
forcibly that I sat there wondering what. En- 
tire clothes-line seemed to surround me with 
damp washing like a wounded sail. Hon. Mag- 
gie making hysteria, seize bottle of wash blue in 
her prize-fight hands and approach at me scream- 
ing war cries. With howell of great intensity 
she threw that sky-colored liquid to my head, 
covering my nose and eyebrows with splashes of 
brilliant art. 

Next she rose to house and obtain broom. 
When I seen that female club, I lost my con- 
nection with that home. I lep forwards. I fled 
off. I swum over the fence with great skill and 
continued to elope elsewheres. Farebye to that 
job! 

When nextly seen I was 2 miles Westward set- 
ting among woods attempting to rub wash-fluid 
from my forehead which was blue. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



X 
Togo Coaxes Down the Cost of Living 

To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine who 
desire to make high-life less costly. 

DEAR MR.:— Please address all letters to 
Fineheimer Employment Bureau where 
I am looking for it, as usual. Sorrow for 
me. Sometimes I think I am like a shoot-gun, 
merely make to be fired. 

When last seen I was employed at home of 
Mrs. Ethel McManus who reside with her hus- 
band, Mr. Ethel McManus at Honeyville-on-the 
Hudson. They are a very matrimonial couple 
of people. They were married only a short time 
of yore. Therefore they are living in midst of 
wedding presents which they are trying to use as 
furniture. How superflous! 

" Togo," say this lady to me, " I hire you be- 
cause we are too poor to live without a servant." 

" How smart idea ! " I report with chivalry. 

" Yes," she repartee. " I learn this wisdom 
from newspaper : ' A good servant will save Hon. 
Housekeeper $6 a week.' Acting on this advice 
I hire you for $5 a week, which make following 
arithmetic: $6 — $5 = $1. Therefore I have 
cleaned up $1 a week by transaction." 
81 



82 Hashimura Togo 

" If you kep 20 servants at that rate you could 
save sufficient to keep ottomobiles," I pronounce 
joyfully. 

" I have oftenly thought of that," say this 
bridish lady. " But I think I shall begin grad- 
ually on 1 servant and see how much I save." 

" I permit you to retain all you make off me," 
I suggest for generosity. 

" Your duties," she utter, " is to keep high 
cost of living as low-down as possible. I expect 
you to buy food for our home, and to purchase it 
with such financial cuteness that everything will 
cost less than formerly. When Hon. Beefsteak 
cost 28c per lb. I expect you to chide him until 
he become more reasonable. Hon. Chicken must 
walk down from his 37c perch if he wish to join 
us at our table. Potatus, string-bean, butter and 
salad must also act less haughty in their prices 
if they wish to associate with us on bill- 
of-fare. Could you manage this for our house- 
hold?" 

" Japanese are great diplomatists," I report. 
" I am willing to approach the problem with in- 
tense stinginess." 

" The duties of a servant," repeat Mrs. Mc- 
Manus with expression of old-age peculiar to 
brides, " the duties of a servant is to come into 
more affectionate contact with butcher, baker and 
icer. Thus tradesmen might be coaxed into shar- 
ing with Housekeeper that profits which they 
now selfishly keep in their business. You will 
arrange this." 



Togo Coaxes Down Cost of Living 83 

" I am willing to promise anything," I collabo- 
rate. 

" Each morning after dish-wash ceremony is 
over & Hon. Furnace is fed for the day, you 
must promenade with basket to market where 
High Cost of Living resides. It is useless for 
you to squander $2 here & there in reckless pro- 
visions. I read in newspaper this morning how 
one delicious and nourishing lunch for 3 persons 
might be bought for 50c, including cost of gas 
to cook it with. I shall try it today. My Hon. 
Aunt Augusta are expected here at noon. I 
require you to make miraculous meal for her. 
Here is 50c. Take it and be economical. ,, 

" I could not be extravagant under those cir- 
cumstances," I renig, compressing the ^2 dollar 
to my pocket. 

" Be as hasty as possible," she beseech when 
I depart. 

" It should take no time to make 50c go a 
long ways," I encourage. " I shall saunter 
among markets making storekeepers jealous by 
my independent behavior. Then I shall prome- 
nade homewards and commence to cook." 

I do so and this is what I done. 

I spent 5c trolley fare and arrive to shop of 
Hon. Fritz Schultz, prominent butchery. I dis- 
cover this wealthy meat-person standing befront 
of his store making sweet whistles. 

" O Hon. Mr. Sir," I commence, " your soul 
feels very musical this morning." 

" A butcher's soul is like his sausage," he con- 



84 Hashimura Togo 

fab, " full of strange and wonderful surprises. 
Also I must feel slightly poetical because Spring 
have arrived to my store." 

" Spring," I snagger. 

" Ah, yes," he say off. " Beholt the signs of 
Spring in my window." 

I notice several. One say : ". SPRING LAMB ! 
—Marked Up to 42c." Another say, " SPRING 
CHICKEN— Formerly 18c. Reduced to 27c." 

" Why should meat behave so heavenly ? " I 
reproach. " It is continually soaring beyond." 

" The Trusts — they are greedy about making 
profits," he say, arranging his necktie, which was 
full of diamond pins. " The Trusts are to blame, 
as usual. What can I sell you this morning? I 
shall be willing to part from some delicious pork 
chops for twice that they are worth.' 

" At such a price pork should taste like veni- 
son," I suggested. 

" Have you got any food for sale that is less 
ostentatious?" I acquit. 

" Corn beef," he report. " That homely dish 
can be obtained for 22c per lb." 

" I shall take 1 lb. please," I order. 

" Umpossible ! " he disorder. " My corn beef 
come only in 5 lb. patterns." 

My soul drop back, completely flabbed. 

" Ain't you got nothing that I can buy for 
15c?" I gosp. 

" How you insult me ! " he gollup, wiping 
meat-axe with rage. So I depart off before chop 
occur. 



Togo Coaxes Down Cost of Living 85 

It was now 1 1 130 by clock-time and I had not 
yet obtained that 50c lunch. I spent 5c more 
trolley fare arriving at Nusbaum's Butchery. 
This leave me 40c with which to do so with. 

" What you got for 15c which is sifficient to 
retain 3 persons, mostly ladies ? " I ask from 
Hon. Nusbaum. He look to me with fatty eye- 
brows. 

" I can give you 3 nice mutton bones for that 
price of money," he report. 

" Can food be made from mutton bones ? " I 
ask it. 

" If properly prepared," he renig, " they are 
delicious. First they should be boiled for 4 days 
in extract of beef, then stuffed with chicken gib- 
lets, olives, muskrooms, raisons, and 12 fresh 
eggs chopped finely. The cost of this dish are 
as follows: 

Bones 15c 

Chicken giblets 1.50 

Muskrooms 75 

Eggs 65 

Raisons 20 

Total Extravagance $3.25 " 

" You call this cheap dish ? " I holla nervely. 

" You would be surprised to see how cheap it 
tastes ! " he suggest while I walk away from that 
conversation. 

I stand with my 40c remainder on sidewalk 
and wonder what next. Ah ! Vegetable lunch is 



86 Hashimura Togo 

most delicate for invalids and full of economy. 
Therefore I shall go to place of Hon. Cyrus 
Goldthwaite, groceries and vegetables. I arrive 
there by trolley, which cost ioc because I lost 
my transfer. This subtract me down to 30c. 

" What wish ? " require Cyrus Goldthwaite, 
with spectacles. 

" How much would 3 potatus cost ? " I ne- 
gotiate. I was sure those vegetable would be 
nourishing, because Irish eats them and remains 
quite warlike. 

" They come in all sizes," suggest Hon. 
Goldthwaite. 

" Give them to me about ladies' size," I sug- 
gest, because I knew they was for a ladies' lunch. 

Hon. Goldthwaite hand forth 3 gentle-looking 
potatus. 

"23c " he require. 

" O, Hon. Groceries ! " I abject. " Ladies can- 
not live on potatus alone. I got 30c with which 
to obtain lunch for 3. From this I must extract 
5c for trolley home-trip. What bill-of-fare can 
I purchase for 25c remainder?" 

" Sardines," he say, " are nourishing but they 
tastes lonesome without crackers. These rare 
fishes costs 20c per box and sifficient crackers 
to chaperone them would cost 7c. This would 
leave bonus of 3c for salt. Or if you would 
think it more delicate you might obtain y 2 lb. 
cheese at 18c and 1 potatus at 7c." 

" I am completely puzzled by this arithmetic, ,, 
he said. 



Togo Coaxes Down Cost of Living 87 

" Maybe I should telephone to Mrs. McManus 
and find what is," I say so. So I do so. 

" Hullo ! " 

" Yes." 

" This is Togo." 

" O ! " Chillbite voice. 

" I wish to ask, please, what you would prefer 
as nourishment? Would 2 potatus and one box 
crackers seem more sifficient than y 2 lb. cheese 
and 1 potatus ? " 

"For which meal, please?" she snib. 

" For lunch, please," I expose. 

" Togo ! " holla blond voice from telephone, 
" as it is now 1 45 in P. M. and my guest has 
already went elsewheres in search for food, I can 
see no sensible ratio in your horseless remarks. 
How dare you show your face at my telephone 
under such conditions ? " 

" Be more calm to me," I besearch. " You 
sent me forth with 50c to save money from food. 
I done so. If your guest went away without 
lunch, she saved you that much. Which were 
very economical. When you substract 25c from 
my traveling expenses you will still have 25c for 
profits on the day. Thusly I save you from your 
luxuries." 

" You are talking a vacuum," she strongle. 
" There is one luxury you shall save me from in 
future." 

" Which luxury is that, please ? " I deploy. 

" You ! " she snagger abruptly. Bang-up for 
telephone. 



88 Hashimura Togo 

Hon. Goldthwaite charge me ioc for that tele- 
phone. Which show that high price of talking 
is also increasing rapidly upward. 

With my remaining wealth I advance hope- 
fully forward towards Fineheimer Employment 
Bureau which I am always welcomed. 
Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XI 
Togo Becomes a Fire Hero 

To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine who 
saves more homes than insurance. 

HON. DEAR SIR :— Another place where I 
am habitually absent can be found at 
home of Hon. Mrs. & Mr. Susan J. 
Fogg, Turnverein, Conn. I was burnt away 
from that place because of my heroism. I tell 
you how was: 

This Mrs. Fogg lady reside with her husband 
and furniture in a residence, which are covered 
with extremely wooden decorations, which tal- 
ented sculptors have cut out with saws. She 
say it is one Queen Annie house. Perhaps so it 
is. Maybe this Annie were empress of Coney 
Island to build such merry architecture. 

Hon. Mrs. Boss are considerable proud of her 
house & what is inside. She got an elaborate 
number of plush picture-frames containing 
photos of Homer. Also she got cute jugs and 
pitchers walking over shelves & tables resembling 
decorated bugs doing so. Her dining room are 
full of cut-up glasswear to resemble swollen 
diamonds. Over mantel-peace are portrait-face 
89 



90 Hashimura Togo 

of Uncle Seth, famous hero, who was scared to 
death in Battle of Bully Run. 

" Home," she say so to me on date she hired 
me for employment, " Home should be full of 
objects to resemble soul of sweet lady what 
keep it." 

" What a romping soul you must have ! " I 
exclam for chivalry, while rubbing eyes to ob- 
serve purply curtains and reddy carpets. 

" My house is nearly all furnished witli wed- 
ding presents, birthday tributes and auction bar- 
gains of happy days," she tell proudishly. " I 
value them for dear associations." 

" Dear associations seldom match in color," I 
narrate. She did not assimilate those words I 
said it. 

" For instancely," she go onwards, " there is 
painted fire-shovel with snow-scenery from 
Grandpa's farm. I would not take considerable 
for that shovel." 

" How much has you been offered ? " I ask 
to know. 

But she was thinking elsewheres. 

" Togo," she otter with serious eyebrows, 
" there is not one drop of fire insurance on this 
house ! " 

My heart stand on end for this informations. 
" Then it would not pay to burn it ! " I gosp. 

" Daily and nightly," she agnosticate, " I 
worry with brain for fear some spark or blazes 
might walk into my home and burn all my sweet 
art and dear menorandum to zero of ashes ! " 



Togo Becomes a Fire Hero 91 

" I shall smother all arson with great cruelty," 
are fire-chief promise I make. 

So Hon. Mrs. Fogg donate to me one smallish 
volume of book entitled " First Ade to Fires." 
This literature, which is bound in 4th of July 
color, tell me following information about fire 
when he gets loose : 

" Chimbleys are most dangerous articles to 
have around a house because they gets clogged 
with soot, thusly causing inflammation of the 
roof which creates blazes and burns insur- 
ance. Total loss. Best way to put out a mad 
chimbley is to sprinkle salt down him until he 
quits. 

" In case of houseafire, human folks must be 
saved before all other furniture, because they 
are most combustable. This can be did by throw- 
ing wet blanket over them and dragging them 
forth. Valuable heirlooms can be saved from 
burning house by taking them out." 

I read this instructions, Mr. Editor, and feel 
prepared for anything. 

This Mrs. Fogg got one Irish cooklady name 
of Hilda Katz. Hon. Hilda are beautiful, except 
her face and figure, which are not. She enjoy 
very sorry romance, because of Hon. Wm., a 
hack-driver, who drove away with another 
fiancee and remain there. Consequent of this, 
Hon. Hilda weep & cook nearly all time. 

" Togo," she report to me, while making tears 



92 Hashimura Togo 

and pies, " never promise to marry any gentle- 
man in the livery-stable business." 

" I shall avoid this peril firmly," I narrate. 

" 67 doz assorted love-letters this Wm. sent 
me. And what usefulness are they now?" 
Weeps by her. 

" They might make a sad novel, if printed 
among pictures," I say so. 

She peel onions with Romeo expression. 

But I were too busy being a fire-detective to 
think of Wm. and his escape from love. Nearly 
each hour by clock-time Hon. Mrs. would come 
to me and talk underwriter language: 

" You hear that smell of smoke ? " she re- 
quire. 

" It smell like New Haven Railroad burning 
dividends six miles away," I say with syrup 
voice. 

One day, my Cousin Nogi give me sweet- 
hearted gift of one valuable cigar, price 5c. cash- 
money. I nourish this dear tobacco very care- 
fully in pocket and await till late night-hour when 
I could smoke him in my room & think of my 
ancestors. So I lock door, open window and do 
so. In midst of puffs I hear something. 

Knock-knock! This noise by Hon. Door. I 
unlock lock and gaze outside to where Hon. Mrs. 
Fogg was there with kimono & pale eyebrows. 

" Some odor is burning in this house ! " she 
gollup. 

" What perfume of smell do it resemble ? " I 
ask it. 



Togo Becomes a Fire Hero 93 

"It resemble a fire among dry goods," she 
gubble. 

" Be calmly quiet," I negotiate. " The smell 
you heard was merely only slight gift-cigar I 
smoke in honor of my Cousin Nogi." 

" I would avoid such a cousin," she snib with 
nose. " Blow out gas and go to bed at oncely ! " 

I could hear her peevishness by her feet as 
they walked. 

It were nice, balmish evening of summer 
weather when Mrs. and Mr. Chas Hassock, 
neighborly persons of quiet fashion, was there to 
play bridge-gamble amidst society clothing. Hon. 
Mr. Fogg, medium gentleman with tame whis- 
kers, were also there acting like a husband- 
man. 

Bridge-card resume for several hours while 
those 4 persons sat there calling each other 
" Trumps " and other American insults. 

O suddenly! ! what was that my nose 
smelled? Inflammatory smell of fire! ! 

With iced brain I recall what " First Ade to 
Fires " said about mad chimbleys, so I rosh 
silently to outside house to see how ours were 
behaving. O surely yes! Hon. Chimbley were 
shooting sparkles & pin-wheels from his enraged 
bricks ! 

What I do then? With immediate quickness, 
I rosh to dining-room and grab 2 salt-sellers in 
my courageous thumbs. Making my toes ex- 
tremely swift, I clomb ladder to roof & scramble 
along shingles with care peculiar to Thos. Cats. 



94 Hashimura Togo 

Then, by heroic movements of wrists, I pepper 
considerable salt straight into the face of that 
mad Chimbley. Yet he still continue on mak- 
ing Vesuvius out of himself. 

What nextly must I do? I think of that fire- 
volume which say. " Human folks must be saved 
before all other furniture." 

So I scomper to bed-room, dragg forth one 
complete blanket & soush him in wet water of 
bath-tub. With these blanket held in my firm 
knuckles, I ascended downstairs to parlor where 
Hon. Mrs. Fogg set in her marcel hair and con- 
iderable expensive face-powder calling Mrs. 
Hassock a " Renig " in bridge-language. 

With wetness of blanket, I stand behind Hon. 
Mrs. Fogg. 

"What for?" she holla when she seen me. 
But before anything else could collapse, I wound 
wettish blanket round her head. 

" Gog ! " she report with strangely voice. Yet % 
before she could narrate more, I had drogged 
her forthly to fresh air. 

" What is the meaning of this meanness? " re- 
quire Hon. Fogg. 

" Meaning of Fire ! " I yellup. " W T hy do you 
stand there making speechless talks, when your 
home is sparking?" 

At this oratory of words, everybody begin 
making hook-and-ladder movements. Hon. 
Fogg grabb bird-cage and pair of tongs. Hon. 
Mrs. save 3 plush albums. Hon. Hassock attemp 
to remove sideboard, but it were nailed to floor. 



Togo Becomes a Fire Hero 95 

Hon. Mrs. Hassock rosh down street breaking 
fire-alarms out of telephone poles. 

But I were more Sandow in my strength. 
With Samurai knuckles, I grasp cabinet full of 
cut-up glasswear and roll him down front steps 
to lawn. Loud crashes! Thusly was valuable 
dishes saved from fire. 

With deer-foot heels, I eloped upstairs to bed- 
room and begin pouring entire household out of 
window. Mattrass, pitchers, rugs, etc., fell like 
Niagara falling. When I threw forth family 
water-color landscape representing the face of 
Aunt Nerissa Hodges, it make boomerang fly- 
off and struck on head of Hon. Fogg which went 
through. Too bad. 

I were just in the heroism of poking brass 
bedstead through pane of glass, when Mrs. and 
Mr. Fogg escorted by Mrs. and Mr. Hassock and 
Hon. Hilda Katz, cook-lady, suddenly encroach 
into room and seeze me. 

" Platoon of brainless mind ! " they all hiss 
like circular snakes. " Who inform you this 
house were blaze ? " 

" Did I not see Hon. Chimbley spitting rock- 
ets?" This from me. 

" Sakes of shucks ! " commute Hon. Hilda 
contemptibly. " That were not house-afire. 
That were merely me burning negligent love- 
letters in kitchen stove." 

Grones by all. 

" So my house are not afire ! " report Hon. 
Mrs. for disappoint. 



96 Hashimura Togo 

" So sorry ! " I regret. In distant midnight I 
could hear rural hose-carriage approaching with 
gongs. " Maybe there was no fire, but this were 
very useful practice. Also I was enabled to show 
you the iced quality of my intelligence. If there 
had been some fire, I should put it out ! " 

" You have put nearly everything else out," 
sorrowfully Hon. Mrs., looking outside to moon- 
light where the entire interior of her home lay 
scrambled on the lawn. 

Hon. Fogg gargle with his teeth. 

" Since you are so talented at putting things 
out," he suggest, " perhaps you can place your- 
self elsewheres with immediate rapidness." 

I oblige. When nextly observed, I were set- 
ting in R. R. Station awaiting for morning train 
and feeling quite roasted. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XII 

Togo Makes Discoveries 

To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, 
whose mind thinks recipes. 

DEAR MR. EDITOR:— When Hon. Chris 
Columbus dishcovered America, he do so 
at his own risk. It are muchly the same 
with Gen. Housework — all persons must be en- 
tirely careful about what they find out, because 
they can't always do something with it. I know 
because I try. 

My last former address was home of Hon. 
Mrs. J. B. Cluck, Canton, O. I am now em- 
ployed there as an absentee. Mr. Editor, you 
and your magazine are blame for the miserable 
anecdote what happen to me there. I tell you, 
Mr. Editor Good Housekeeper, how was : 

This Hon. Cluck lady suddenly approach up to 
me last Tues. a. m. & say with voice, 

" Togo," she say so, " I am delightful reader 
of Good Housekeeper Magazine." 

"You are one in several 1,000,000," I snatch 
back, with expression of rapid circulation. 

" In this wonderfully home-made periodical," 
she divulge, " I are frequently suprised to read 
97 



98 Hashimura Togo 

one department name of ' Dishcoveries/ what tell 
considerable knowledge to ladies what require to 
make housework unexpected. This month ' Dish- 
coveries ' give bright recipes on following sub- 
jects: 

" ' How to make pincushions from potatoes. 

" ' How to keep moths out of moth-bags. 

" ' How to make babies cry by music' ,: 

I assimulate her words with eyebrows. 

" It seem insulting to sell so much wisdom for 
15c," I contuse. 

" Recipes like this," decry Hon. Mrs., " are 
good ways to know. Every servant girl, whether 
male or female, should read those ' Dishcoveries ' 
& attempt to do so also. New things can be 
thought of only by thinking of something new. 
Therefore, remember I expect you to make some 
useful ' Dish-covery ' each week you are in this 
home." 

With such language, she suddenly eloped 
away, leaving my hands in thoughtful dishwater. 

Mr. Editor, it are easier to be Shakespeare 
than Edison. Hon. Shak. merely composed 
poetry, but Hon. Ed. has to compose inven- 
tions what actually go when expected to. 

When Hon. Mrs. Cluck require me to think 
up some Dishcovery, I were completely flabbed 
to find what was. Nearly everything seemed to 
be already thought of to make home easier — hot 
water, ice man, gas, etc. Brooms was there to 
sweep with, foods to cook with, each thing for 
to do so. When I look arouncl that home, all 



Togo Makes Discoveries 99 

full of everything, I feel like North Pole after 
Hon. Doc CoOk was there— nothing else left to 
dishcover. . . 

That week my brain grew sidewise trom too 
much originality. Yet no useful thought come 

With frequent occasionality, Hon. Mrs. Cluck 
approach and dement, ff 

"You find that Dishcovery yet, Togo? 

" Great explorers requires overtime to do so, 
I relate. 

No intellectual reply from her. 

Wedsday pass, Thursday pass while tryday 
& Satday proceed in similar manner. At last it 
was Sunday. 

This Sunday are devoted to stay-home amuse- 
ment by Hon. Cluck, who are a bald-haired gen- 
tleman of medium oldness. He spend this vaca- 
tion by setting in slippers and enjoying quarrels 
he is too busy to attend to other days. When 
these is finished, he reads comical supplements 
until fatigued by humor, when he spreads Hon. 
Happy Hooligan page over his bald hair and 
commences to snore. This program are enjoyed 
to any extent while Hon. Mrs. telephone her 
Mother to explain how sad her marriage was. 

"Jas!" holla Hon. Mrs. to Hon. Mr., last 
Sunday while he was leaping from one nap to 
another, " Why should you save your snores for 
your Wife?" " 

" You comfort me so I cannot keep waketul, 
he smooth back. 



ioo Hashimura Togo 

" Do you snore while being comforted by a — \ 
stenographer ? " she gollup so quickly. 

He said nothing very well. 

"Oh!! " This from her. " If I could dish- 
cover some way for to keep you from going to 
sleep every time you sat in that chair, I should 
be submerged by much gratitude." 

I was standing in next room near keyhole 
trying not to listen when I axidentally hear her 
make this dialogue. 

Zizz ! ! Intellectual flash arrive to brain : I 
should make one Dishcovery what would give 
Hon. Cluck happy-home wakefulness when set- 
ting in that chair. Banzai ! I stogger backwards 
with Edison feeling of thumbs. 

Next a. m. while Hon. Mrs. were absentee at 
Dept Store squandering money on hair-pins, I 
approach Hon. Chair where husband love to 
dream. With artistic hammer & nails, I attach 
Hon. Chair to rope in next room which were 
pulled by neat derangement of pulleys. He were 
a Mawruss Chair, full of pads and very fat, and 
I was proud to see the expression of calm com- 
fort what he wear while setting there awaiting 
happy home-come of Hon. Mr. Cluck. 

When Hon. Mrs. Cluck arrive back for din- 
ner that evening, food were absent, for reason 
because I had been too busy with importance to 
think up such triful. 

" Why you no cook for eat it ? " she require 
with hawk voice. 

" I have cooked something more grand than 



Togo Makes Discoveries 101 

merely stomach food," I snuggest. " While you 
was absentee, I have been preparing something 
elegant for the brain to chew: I have made a 
Dishcovery ! " 

" O narrate it to me ! " she collapse for vasty 
excitements. 

" Not to do ! " I holla. " Such thoughts must 
be delivered by express to editor of Good House- 
keeper Magazine." 

She glub slightly, but I was firm. 

" If you have time to spare from your scien- 
tific study, please prepare what hash there is in 
the house for food which is 2^2 hours late." 
She say it. 

At 6 147 hour, Hon. Cluck return back in usual 
mood of joyless anticipation. He say several 
nouns expressing lateness of Japanese cookery, 
then he remove off coat, collar, neckbow & shoe- 
ware, expecting to put on house slippers and 
smoke- jacket and manufacture comfort. 

" If Togo shall be till breakfast preparing din- 
ner, I shall go to my Mawruss Chair and enjoy 
slight kitten nap," Hon. Mister glump. 

" If you had more regular profiles, you would 
be a sleeping beauty," contuse Hon. Mrs. 

"If this home was run right, it would not be 
run down ! " combust him. 

" If you was not a fungus, you might be a 
genius," detone her. 

I were deliciously relieved to hear them talk 
that way, because I knew they would get so 
interested in unpleasantness that Hon. Cluck 



102 Hashimura Togo 

would forget to go sleep in Mawruss Chair until 
after dinner was ate. And then I would have 
time to show my Dishcovery. 

And so it was. While I prepare what hash I 
could find, Hon. Cluck spent time pacing back- 
wards and reverse with expression peculiar to 
Admirals on July 4th. At lastly dinner set him- 
self on table while Hon. Cluck devoured big din- 
ner amidst usual steam-roller grumbel about my 
unhappy cooking. 

" Can't you recall some sweet language to 
make marriage pleasant?" renag Mrs. Cluck. 

" Marriage are only pleasant when he are 
asleep," he peruse, looking expectfully to Maw- 
russ Chair. 

When it come to pie time, I could already 
observe dormatory expression of lodging-house 
crowling over fatty face of Hon. Boss. Yawns 
by him. Stretches. At lastly, he arose upwards, 
lit cigar, rubbed his tired business eyes & started 
for library. 

" I think one slight, little nap in Mawruss 
Chair will prepare me," he say so to Wife. 

"Prepare you for what?" she dib back at 
Hon. Husband. 

" For go to bed," he resnort. He make slug- 
gardly walk toward Mawruss Chair. 

Now I knew it were time for activity, if my 
Dishcovery would be useful. So I ran with silent 
speed of cats towards other room where end of 
rope was. Through library door, I could see 
Hon. Chair setting there with dimpled pads. I 



Togo Makes Discoveries 103 

grabb rope detatched to pulleys what led to Hon. 
Chair. Next thing I could see Hon. Cluck back 
up towards Chair, stretch lovingly, and crouch his 
knees as if intending to set down. But he wasn't. 

YANKS!!! With hero strength, I pull rope 
which cause Hon. Chair to sidle backwards on 
castor. Consequence of this was large. Hon. 
Cluck, suddenly dejected from his set down, fell 
on his collar button, arriving to carpet so hippo- 
ponderously that entire home were jarred loose. 

" O darling Mr. Husband, are you gone?" re- 
quire Mrs. Wife, lopping over him with heroine 
expression peculiar to Julia Marlowe. 

" Can't you tell I am here by the noise?" he 
gubble. " What spirituous medium has came 
here to pull away my chair with unseen hands ? " 

" I do it !" I explode with great quickness sud- 
denly emerging forth from curtains like prima- 
donna making first entrance when band play with 
great exuberance. 

" Why you done it ? " Both Hon. Mister and 
Hon. Mrs. spoke together like mad chorus girls. 

"It was fault of you & Good Housekeeper 
Magazine ! " I snuggest to her. " Did you not 
tell me every servant girl should make Dish- 
covery of something needed in the home?" 

" Perhapsly I did," Hon. Mrs. rosp back with 
question-mark. 

" Did you not tell Hon. Husband something 
must be did to keep him from sleeping in Maw- 
russ Chair after big dinner every day?" 

" I said thusly." 



104 Hashimura Togo 

" Well ! " This from me. " I have cooked up 
an Invention what will keep Hon. Sir from all 
snores. Reward me, please ! " 

For immediate payment, Hon. Cluck arouse 
up with voice peculiar to zoology. He annexed 
me by the seat of my collar & left me outside 
where I stood long time. 

Mr. Editor, if you wish this Dishcovery for 
your page it will be yours for the cheapness of 
dirt. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XIII 
Togo's Thanksgiving 

To Editor Good Housekeeper Magazine, who 
keep cheerful in spite of Holidays. 

DEAR SIR:— While annual yearly date of 
Thangsgive approach up, I enjoy pain 
in connection with my memory. Ameri- 
cans act so peculiar when thankful that I am not 
insured what to do. For instancely, I tell you 
what collapsed to me last Thanksgive Thurs- 
day: 

I were employed for Gen. Cookery at do- 
mestic kitchen of Mrs. & Mr. Romeo Goober, 
East O'Rora, 111. 

" Togo," say Hon. Mrs., approaching up to me, 
" tomorrow shall be Thanksgive Day." 

" What are origin of this joy ? " I ask to know. 

" Pilgrim 4 Fathers first invented it," she re- 
port. "In historical time of 1492, Hon. Miles 
Standish were setting on Plymouth Rock. ' We 
have no foods/ decry Hon. Miles. ' I have no 
appetite,' snuggest Hon. Jno. W. Alden, assistant 
Pilgrim. ' We should be thankful for that ! ' ne- 
gotiate Hon. Miles, so Thankful Thursday were 
manufactured from that date." 
105 



106 Hashimura Togo 

" How you shall celebrate this patriotic festi- 
val ? " I require. 

" By eating it," decrop Hon. Mrs. " The more 
we eat, the more patriotic we become. On that 
Thursday date America are thankful about all 
sorts of calamities, while families group them- 
selves around turkey to express gratitude and 
cramberry sauce." 

" My heart stands upright to think of such 
cheerfulness ! " I resort. " I shall rejoice to- 
morrow for to observe one American dinner 
where Kick & Peev are not invited." 

" Tomorrow we expects to celebrate as usual," 
she report for sweetly smiling. There will be 
8 to dinner, to include my fattish Uncle Seth 
who equal 3 more. All my relatives is most 
sneerful particular about foods. So now will 
you please elope immediately to market for buy 
one turkey-chicken of 26 lbs. complete tender- 
ness, 4 qrts. cramberries of delicious sourness, 6 
bunches celery-weed, and sufficient punkens to 
construct 2^2 pies ? " 

I go. At Gouge Bros. Market where was I 
observe sign, " FAT TURKEY 35c." To see 
this, I feel very humorous about that High Cost 
of Life. 

" Such delicious cheapness of bird ! " I ne- 
gotiate to Hon. Butcher who was there. "At 
such rates, how much would 2 turkies cost ? " 

" $22.80," he report for immediate arithmatic. 

" Do you not promise fat turkey for 35c ? " I 
rake off. 



Togo's Thanksgiving 107 

" 35 c P er lb.," he snagger financially. 

"I should like one (1) lb., please!" This 
from me. 

" We do not sell broken sections. You must 
purchase complete bird, price $9.80." This from 
him. 

" At such rates, folks can get rich by starv- 
ing," I snagger. 

No response from him. He go to ice-box 
and fetch forth one enlarged fowel without any 
clothing on. 

" This are nice fresh turkey," he satisfy. 

" How you know he fresh ? " I snuggest. 

" Have he not been constantly on ice for 2 
yrs. ? Nothing could be more fresher than that," 
depose Hon. Butch. I buy. 

He sell me expensive celery-bouquet, price 
75c per cluster. It seem disrespectful to eat such 
valuation. Also precious cramberries, price $1 
for seldom quantities, added to $2.50 worth pun- 
kens for pie. I promenade homewards, carrying 
this valuable butchery and hoping no burglar 
would see me. 

While I was thusly straggling along with bur- 
dened back, one assorted dog, name of Hon. 
Fido, snux up behind of turkey and made smiling 
sniff-nose. 

" Shoo ! " I report. Hon. Fido stood waggishly 
saying nothing, but looking at Hon. Turkey with 
flirting eye. I was joyful to observe this, be- 
cause Hon. Shakespeare say, " Them what dogs 
loves must have many tender qualities." 



108 Hashimura Togo 

Date of Thankful Thursday arrive up. By 
early a. m. of dawntime I arose up and com- 
menced. All a. m. that assorted dog, Hon. Fido, 
set outside screen door. I permit him. I arrange 
Hon. Turkey to polite position and stuff his sur- 
prised interior with decorated crumbs. I satisfy 
him with salt & pepper. 

About time of afternoon p. m., I could hear 
several thanksgivers scraping their footprints on 
rug. Their feet sounded quite hungry, yet I 
could not hear any words spoken more cheerful 
than Sunday. Hon. Turkey now send forth 
smiling smell of bakery, and I was glad to assist 
his importance. 

Pretty soonly all take set-down to table. 

" We got much to be thanksgiving for/' report 
Hon. Goober with sharp knife. " Dinner is late 
as usual." 

" Too bad weather are so full of dishagreeable 
qualities ! " grubble Aunt Hannah with golden 
teeth. 

" It were not thusly when I was a boy," re- 
port Uncle Seth with grone. "Please pass the 
celery." 

He make smack-taste of this foods, then flop 
it back with snubbed expression. 

" I have tasted no respectable celery since 
1841 ! " he holla baffably. 

All enjoy depression by this report. 

Next course was oysters, served with consid- 
erable rawness. Cousin Fred'rck make jab to 
these shelled fish. 



Togo's Thanksgiving 109 

"Don't!" holla Aunt Eliz, making horror 
with her nose. 

" Why should not ? " require Cousin Fred'rck 
while he swallow up. 

" You are so young and yet dead already ! " 
ollicute Aunt Eliz. " Toe-main poison are sure 
to resume from this." 

"Food contained less poison when I was a 
childhood," negotiate Uncle Seth. 

" Bygone days has went ! " extract Aunt Eliz 
with si & grone. 

I go to kitchen for bring in delicious mulligan- 
tawny soup what I bought. While I were pour- 
ing this hot beveridge in plates, I notice slight 
smell of burn. It was Hon. Turkey in oven, be- 
coming too feverish. So I took him out and put 
him by window where he be more comfortable. 

I fetch soup in plates to all those thanksgivers. 

" Canned ! " they yellup together with voice of 
sad chorus girls, while thrusting away plates. 

Nothing is real any more ! " narrate Uncle 
Seth with dyspepsia. "Even turkies is de- 
ceptive. When boyhood days elapsed, I can re- 
member how we was accustomed, on Thanksgive 
morning, to salute Hon. Turkey by chopping him 
in kneck with ax. We knew he was good to eat, 
because we seen how fresh he acted. But no 
more. Today, turkies lives like Eskimos— spend- 
ing their old age on ice before meeting civilized 
persons. No respectable bird-dog would eat 
them." 

I enjoy considerable alarm for this thanks- 



no Hashimura Togo 

giving speech. Then, courageous like a Samurai, 
I retreat to kitchen for fetch forth Hon. Turkey. 
Hope thrilled my wrists and elbows as I entered 
kitchen for escort that sublime turkey — but 
O! ! ! I stand gast. I look to window where 
I left that sacred bird. Such things could not ! 
And it was. Empty pan stood there, seeming 
entirely vacuum. Hon. Turkey had flewed 
away! ! 

I rosh by window and look earnestly to back 
yard. Yes ! ! With thankful expression of tail, 
there stood Hon. Fido abducting Hon. Turkey 
across alley by wing. 

" Come backwards ! " I yellup. Hon. Fido 
show no impression from my talk. I lep through 
window 7>4 feet to outside. Quickly reassuring 
my legs, I retreat after that slyly doggish annimle, 
but he scromble up fence with hooked claws re- 
sembling cats. Too late for me ! Turkey had 
escaped from my Bulgarian catch-up. 

Mr. Editor, heroes is most brave when report- 
ing failures. I do this considerably. So I drag 
together my soul and encroach toward dining- 
room, where I could hear those 8 thanksgivers 
complaining about everything. I walk in there 
carrying empty pan. Uncle Seth were just say- 
ing, 

" Turkey are not what he used to be in 1868 ! " 

" It are painful to look one in face ! " report 
Aunt Eliz, while all agree. 

" Banzai ! " I holla, poking forth vacant dish. 
" Your digestion shall avoid this agony." 



Togo's Thanksgiving in 

" What is ? " all exclam while leapting to their 
feetware. 

" You should all be very thanksgiving, ,, I 
snuggest. " You have been rescued from con- 
siderable preserved poison by one patriotic dog 
what sacrifice himself by eloping with Hon. Tur- 
key before he could be ate." 

" Kill the dishonest mammal ! " all gollup with 
thankless expression. 

" Why you should want I kill dog for stealing 
turkey you do not require ? " I ask with Teddy 
Roosevelt voice. " He should be gave medal 
of Pilgrim 4 Fathers for eating a bird you would 
not dare to bite." 

" Then you mean we shall have no turkey ? " 
snagger all. 

" You shall be spared that calamity," I say off. 

" How lonesome Thanksgive dinner seem 
without him ! " mone Uncle Seth. 

" How can we fill his vacant platter?" sobb 
Hon. Mrs. " I should be thankful for Hon. 
Turkey, however tough!" 

Just while she say this — crashy!! Loud 
sound of approaching dog heard from kitchen 
window, and Hon. Fido with waggish tail trott 
into dining-room, carrying that enormalous bird 
in his careful teeth. He lay that absent fowel 
reverently at my feets. 

" Hon. Fido do not care for this enlarged 
chicken, so he bring him back," I report. 

" Dinner are now spoilt ! " decry Hon. Mrs. 

" How could you speak it ? " I research. 



ii2 Hashimura Togo 

" When turkey go, you say, ' Dinner ruined ! ' 
When he come back, you say, ' Dinner spoilt ! ' 
I am impossible to understand about American 
customs. 

" You have Thanksgive dinner so you can set 
around making bewails. So foolish to do ! Why 
you no choose this date for to kick out Mis- 
fortune ? " 

" I shall do so ! " abrupt Hon. Goober, arising 
upwards. " First Misfortune to kick will be in 
your direction." 

Next he rejected me through window by force 
of Swedish jiu-jitsu. Hon. Fido arrive by next 
kick, and Hon. Turkey flew afterward, striking 
me on hair so earnestly he left me quite brainless. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XIV 
Togo Seeks Tea and Finds Tango 

To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine 
who must realise the extreme difficulty of keep- 
ing home dull, 

DEAR SIR :— I have leaped so continuously 
from jobs to jobs since you last heard 
from me that I am becoming a very tal- 
ented bounder. The nearly last place to which 
I was attached rejected me away because of my 
extreme industry in sweeping carpets while com- 
pany was there to sneeze. Boss Lady at that 
place was kind but brutal, so she give me follow- 
ing letter of recomment to quit with : 

To Who This May Supply: — 

This introduces our Mr. Togo (retired). If 
you want to see what a housemaid he is, try him. 
He is capable of anything. Please treat him 
like I did. 

Mary L. Montfusser. 

Next place where I took this note were home 
of Hon. Mrs. & Mr. Wm. Vanderbitt Jones, 
residing in very swollen location located near 
113 



H4 Hashimura Togo 

Aspic Falls, N. J. That neighborhood was so 
formula that it make me feel quite English while 
approaching up to it. I was included into rear 
entrance amid buttlers, where Hon. Mrs. Van- 
derbitt Jones, crystalized lady of expensive 
beauty, arrive there and require, " You unstand 
how serve tea ? " 

"Tea are favorite drunk of Japan," I exag- 
gerate pridefully. " It are served there with 
ceremony " 

" It are served here with tango," she snib 
stylishly. " Did you ever learn how ? " 

" Never yet," I nudge, " yet I can quickly 
learn to include that amid cream & sugar." 

" How irritated ! " she snib while making her 
fingers touch her fashionable hairs. " How- 
everly, since it is too late already, you must re- 
main staying." 

A English buttler without any H in his words 
took me to long room and show me how pile up 
furniture and remove off all explosive glassware 
from table. 

" Why you make so much removal ? " I ask to 
know. 

" When tea-drink begin they commence dance," 
he acknowledge. 

" Tea never make persons dance in Japan," I 
snagger. 

" It are only commencing to have that effect 
in America," he explain. " But in 1914 it are 
fashionable to have it go to feet when swal- 
lowed." 



Togo Seeks Tea and Finds Tango 115 

I were chewing this education with my brain 
when confused varieties of Smart Setters arrive 
up with enlarged limousine hacks and make ha- 
ha handshake including Vernon Castle expres- 
sion. 

I notice great absence of that stiff-souled dig- 
nity peculiar to Japanese Ambassadors when 
thirsty for Oolong. Everybody acted like a di- 
vorce and some ladies appeared considerable 
Geisha. 

Hon. Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones stand by rugs, 
with flirting expression and say, " Howdy, 
Freddy," whenever Newport clothing arrive up. 
Musical orchestra from behind palm-bushes 
commence play " O You Gabble Gabble Glide " 
and nobody could prevent misbehavior of feet. 
Considerable gentlemen then obtain seizure of 
considerable ladies and commence circulating 
with stride away expression of knees. 

"If this is tea where is it?" I require from 
my soul. No answer as yet. 

My eyes equaled Sherlock's in search of that 
beveridge which should be there. I could not 
detect. No appearance of steepage, cup-saucer, 
sammyvar, or other tools for making that hot 
sip. Yet somewheres I could hear dice-box 
sound peculiar to small icebergs clattering to- 
gether. O yes! I saw. Coyly concealing be- 
hind palm-bushes I observe considerable buttler 
shaking up tea in silver jigglers to include 
ice. 

Pretty soonly lady & gentleman arrive up full 



n6 Hashimura Togo 

of fatigues from so much slouchy-slouchy dance- 
step. 

" We will take slight tea," they dement from 
Hon. Buttler. 

"What variety, please?" he require servantly. 

" Martini," snuggest those couple. Hon. But- 
tler pour. More pairs of persons emerge up. 
More shakes with ice. More gobbles. More 
dances. 

Hon. Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones, formerly very 
clam-eye and Buckingham in her appearance of 
silk clothing, abruptly seize one smallish dance- 
gentleman and become more Geisha than all 
others collapsed together. 

" It are tango who put the tease into tea," re- 
nounce one gentleman-boy twirkling by with 
lady-girl. 

" You are very Bernard Shaw today, Edger- 
ley," she report back with eyes. " Of formerly 
it used to be deliciously difficult to compel men 
& husbands to come to tea. Now you cannot 
keep them away with weapons. Why is that 
swift change ? " 

" When the tea goes out the tango's in," he 
define, attempting to wear wit under his mous- 
tache. 

It was very hard science to describe this tango- 
waltz when I saw it, Mr. Editor. It are similar 
to a minuet danced by eels. Angry elbows seem 
to be slipping around everywheres while each 
ladies and gentlemen seem to be walking side- 
wise without intending to go there. Such 



Togo Seeks Tea and Finds Tango 117 

chuckly movements of ducking away from music 
amid bounces ! Such clutch and jolt containing 
great poetry ! I could not unstand how persons 
could do this American jiu-jitsu without in- 
jurious breakage of their personality. And yet 
no ambulance was called. 

While I stood thusly composing thoughts, 
Hon. Buttler walk to me with side-face mous- 
tache similar to Hon. Chauncey Depew when 
not joking. 

" While you are doing nothing you should not 
stand idly around," he dib. 

" You wish me dance also ? " I snuggest. 

" I wish you to go to royal reception door 
downside and permit entrance to all calling 
guests." This he say with voice so expensive I 
feel entirely Lankrup. 

So I go downside to reception door where I 
set long-time for lonesome company by the knob. 
Occasionately that music play so flirtatious that 
my feet misbehave. Pretty soonly came ring- 
ring to door. I admit. In come lengthwise gen- 
tleman with Woodrow Wilson expression and 
black-front necktie peculiar to clergy. 

" What name, if any ?"I ask to know. I made 
my voice show insults peculiar to fashion. 

" I am Rev. Mr. Scornaway, of St. Lucre 
parish," he deliver. " I have came to tea as 
usual on Wedsday." 

" This is no place for a clergy," I dictate warn- 
fully. " You can save your reputation by taking 
it away with you." 



n8 Hashimura Togo 

" What do you mean by your meaning ? " he 
snagger. " Do not Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones's cards 
say Tea on Wedsday ? " 

" This are not the kind of Wedsday you think 
it is," I abrupt. 

" Poor benightied heathen ! " he narrate. 
" Have I not been arriving here for tea for the 
last twenty (20) years since date when Hon. 
Cyrus J. Jones was President of National Dis- 
trust Co. ? Have I not been here to talk church- 
work with elderly ladies while setting down 
amidst famus statesmen and talk on topics? 
Have I not met most greatest dignity in America 
within this house?" 

" You will not meet them now," I clabber, " or 
if so they will be doing something else." 

"Pleasantly permit me to pass inside," he 
snarrel clergetically. 

" O not to do ! " I holla with Samurai knockles 
preventing his forthstepping. " If I relate what 
horror that tea is now doing you will not dare to 
go inside with your profession." 

" Tell me the entire ! " he commit bravely. 

" They are making tango ! " I whasper with 
ears full of frights. 

Hon. Rev. Mr. express great sternness in his 
jaws like a reformer fighting Indians. 

" Let me get at them ! " he growell. 

" O joyful ! " I acknowledge. " Then you are 
determined to stop it?" 

" No ! ! " he gargle. " I am determined to 
dance it!!!" 



Togo Seeks Tea and Finds Tango 119 

I collapse backwards to setty chair and per- 
mit him to advance to middle of music. *or 
1-2 1-8 minutes I remained stationary attempt- 
ing to fan away my faint. Then considerable 
bashido filled my forehead and I leapt to my 
footwear. Upstairs to dance-hall parlor 1 go. 
There, surrounded by sidesteps, hand-clasps, 
whirligig promenades, eye-gaze, romp, Vienna 
tunes and acrobats I observed Hon. Rev Mr. 
circulating in clutch with Mrs. Vanderbitt Jones 
Determinely I advance to middle of and stand 
befront them. . 

" Hon. Mrs. Madam, if conveniently— 1 com- 
mence to be interrupted. # m 

"What is?" she require, continuing to cir- 
culate. 

I am obliged to make delicious dance-motions 
so I can keep up, yet I pursue near her. 

" If convenient I quit," is reprove for me. 1 
must now double three loops and whirl my arms 
bias to remain next. . 

" Why you don't quit without application to 
me ? " she ask it while 2-stepping. 

" I wish tell you my feelings before departure, 
I reject while gliding my feet onwards and twin- 
ing my chest in stroggle to follow her closely. 
" I shall not be a servant in such a fidgetty home. 
I shock! What is becaming of America? In- 
stead of sipping tea, as formerly, they dance it. 
Instead of enjoying sociability with brain they 
do it with feet. They act midnight at nve 
o'clock. Preachers come to preach and stay to 



120 Hashimura Togo 

prance. Therefore, I remove myself to some 
other jobs." 

" Jeems ! " Hon. Mrs. holla to Hon. Buttler, 
yet still continue fantango whirling, " here are 
Japanese schoolboy who should be discharged to 
music. Tango him down back steps." 

Nextly I knew I were embraced by that tense 
Englishman without any H in his voice. While 
music burst up into runaway tune, Hon. Buttler' 
show me tango so rapidly I did not know my 
ears from my knuckles. O such musical scuttle- 
step, back-walk, elbow- jounce, and twist-vine 
movement towards outside side of house! And 
there I suddenly arrived followed by orchestra- 
sound including kick. 

So I i-step away with bursted gracefulness 
peculiar to lame duck. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XV 

Are Turkey- Waltzing a Dance or a 
Convulsion? 

To Editor N. Y. Newsprint, who must have 
many subscribers because he know that where 
there is Life there is Blood and where there is 
Blood there is Circulation (free joke) 

DEAR MR.: — The Japanese Patriotic and 
Educational Suicide Club, of which I are 
correspondent Secretary last night give a 
waltzing cotillion and lemonade (25c for extra 
ladies who drunk it) at Rising Sun Banzai Asso- 
ciation Hall. Considerable fashion of yellow- 
complexion was there with Sadikichi's Brass 
Orchestra to play it whenever we danced it. 
Excitements. 

Considerable Japanese schoolgirls was fetched 
there by that nationality and I was deliciously 
shocked to see how American they looked. They 
wore crippled skirts of considerable thinness and 
their shoulder blades seemed absolutely destitute. 
I fetch Miss Ruby Fujimuto, Japanese lady of 
aggrevated beauty, with me for escort. When 
she removed off her opera-house cloak, I look at 
her with my expression all braided up. 
121 



122 Hashimura Togo 

" Ladies should be praised for their economy," 
I corrode while observing the cloth that was not 
there. 

She curbed up with bridle expression. 

" You no like the way my neck is cut ? " she 
snagger, showing peevness by her soprano. 

" Your neck is not cut," I narrate. " I know 
because I can see it all." 

She seem less engaged to me than formerly 
and eloped away to make dance-step with J. 
Haro, Japanese photographer. 

Hon. Sadakichi's Brass Orchestra make music 
resembling roof gardens. 

At that moment of time I could observe how 
everybody was dancing. They seemed to be 
jouncing in couples, making crowd-up walk with 
occasional slouchy-slouchy motion while their 
eyes said " How-do ! " with Romeo expression 
peculiar to Shakespeare. 

" It are nice for youngly persons to be affec- 
tionate," I commute. " But when will dancing 
begin?" 

" They are now Turkey-waltzing," depose 
Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, with Tux- 
edo eyebrows. 

My cousin Nogi, who arrive there with Miss 
Alice Sago (divorced) approach to me and wish 
I should Turkey-waltz with her because he was 
lame from when she kicked him. I told him I 
was a Methodist heathen, therefore my feet was 
too religious to dance. 

" Turk-waltzing are denatured dancing," ar- 



Turkey- Waltzing 1 23 

range Miss Sago with alimony smiles. " Come, 
Mr. Togo, I show you how do it ! " So I went 
and stroggled. 

Mr. Editor, while I made gymnastix with that 
charmed lady, I wished send you several edi- 
torials. What are this Turkey- Waltz, I ask to 
know ? Were it invented by Turks at Adrianople 
while wrastling with the Vulgarian army? Did 
Turkish soldiers think up that peculiarostous 
step while rolling barrels of powder at Greece? 
Why should persons blame Turks with this style 
of trotting if they never did it? Mohammedans 
has got sifficient bad habits of their own without 
accusing them of some more ! 

This Miss Sago shove me here & elsewhere 
with neglectful expression peculiar to rousta- 
bouts. When music play " All Persons Are 
Doing Something " she attemp to dissociate my 
spine by wig-wagging my elbows. 

" Make your ankles more diagonal ! " she de- 
clare with sweety schoolteacher face. I wish to 
ask her marry me, but wondered what might 
happen if I did. I make slight jiu jitsu to 
her wrist, but she got more stronger grippe 
while I jounce alternately like tables in earth- 
quakes. 

" My feet are filled with clumsies," I narrate 
baffably. 

" That are very valuable in Turk-trotting," she 
say for sweetly smiling. 

" So is ? " I holla. " I always sipposed folks 
must be graceful to make dance step." 



124 Hashimura Togo 

" They ust to, but no more," she expose. " All 
fashionable 400s today when dancing considers 
it great elegance to appear like drunken sailors 
wrestling with bears." 

I should have responded to her educational 
catalogue, but she was showing me new jag-step 
where I could elevate my knees to music while 
being choked. 

" I will nextly show you how do the Jellyfish 
Crawl," she pronounce with Tipsichore expres- 
sion. 

"If I learned any more dances I should be- 
come a Geisha, which are less proper," I renig 
shyly while eloping away from her armful with 
talented dodges. 

When I was hiding behind palum trees where 
she could not see me I watched considerable tur- 
key-trottery, bunny-huggery, etc., with eyes full 
of science. Dignified home-made Japanese was 
making roof-garden loops with their legs in such 
a way their wife & children would feel siprised. 
Arthur Kickahajama, missionary boy, were doing 
sidewise catch-and-let-go dance with Miss 
Mamie Furaoki. After that actions I could not 
see how he ever could look a Y. M. C. A. in the 
face again. First they glid together with expres- 
sion of happy crabs, then they made a twillup, 
two cross-legs & 3 bounces. This was followed 
by clutches. 

" They are dancing Tango," pronounce Syd- 
ney Katsu, Jr., who was floorwalking like a com- 
mittee. 



Turkey- Waltzing 125 

" What slum teaches persons dance like that ? " 
I abject doggishly. 

" Sometimes Bowery, sometimes Fifth Ave- 
nue," he report for tone of high-social. 

" Do Fifth Avenue permit the Bowery to 
teach them depravity ? " I require. 

" Ah no ! " ollicute Sydney. " Fifth Avenue 
are teaching the Bowery. Vices are like other 
kinds of furniture. Rich folks uses them first 
and only pass them on to poor folks when they 
are second hand. Thusly the slums are seldom 
safe." 

" After Tango is finished what new dance will 
explode in the Smarty Set?" are next question 
for me. 

"Not sure," Sydney say so with Harry Leer 
eyebrows. " Last week I hear how some high-, 
style Newporters had gone to Africa for try 
dancing with some cannibles what knew some 
deliciously low down steps. But after the first 
dance they had to quit because they was 
ashamed." 

" Who was ashamed — the Newporters? " 

" No, the cannibles," notate Sydney Katsu, 
Jr., looking like he was prepared to be raided by 
police. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XVI 

When Will Lady-Fashions Get 
Ashamed of Themselves? 

To Editor N. Y. Newsprint or whoever 
prints it 

DEAR SIR:— Of lately I have been study- 
ing American style of fashions for ladies, 
so I shall know your civilization from 
both ends. It are a very hard science to chase 
and in doing so I annexed my acquaintance to 
Miss Alice Furaoki, to who I shall become en- 
gaged when divorced. This sweet-hearted Japa- 
nese schoolgirl dress so similar to American 
actresses you cannot tell her from white lady, ex- 
cept when you look at her. 

Last Satday eve p. m., when I was accomplish- 
ing her down street for see emotion-picture show, 
price ioc, I felt very Vanderbiltish to walk 
so near to Newport dressmaking. My eye 
"hooked itself to her clothing and remained there 
till — O sudden ! — I observe what was. I blushed 
entirely yellow. 

" Excuse, please, Hon. Miss Sweetheart," I 
gollup. " Your dressmake has axidentally for- 
got to sew up the ankle of your skirt so I observe 
something deranged." 

126 



Lady-Fashions 127 

" What derangement do you observe ? " she re- 
quire with Vassar eyebrows. 

" Not sure/' I stotter. " It seems to resemble 
the biceps of your hosiery." 

" That biceps is situated where it usually is," 
she otter clamly like an ice box. 

" Should it be ashamed? " I ask shockly. 

" It are style," she decry, " and style are never 
ashamed. Togo, why should you stand there 
gasping like Queen Victoria seeing Paris? This 
garments I are wearing are called a gashed skirt 
and is now very favorite at Newport, and Jew- 
port, on Fifth & Sixth Avenues. Queen Mary 
of London wore one (very slightly) while giving 
Ice Cream Social to Knights of the Garter. In 
Paris it were even more so, as usual. Two 
French countesses from Minneapolis appeared 
tired out in this costume at Long Chumps race- 
course and everybody was so asphyxiated by 
charm they forgot to lose their money." 

" Horses must feel very slow when racing 
against such style," I report nervely. "I am 
alarmed to think to where fashions will jump to 
nextly." 

" More will soonly explode from Vienna where 
a gentleman-dressmake have invented a dress all 
of glass," she narrate with smiling eyebrows. 
" It will be worn in beautiful green shades." 

" Green shades are necessary to pull down 
sometimes when you are living in glass clothing," 
I say so for Elbert Hubbard smartness. 

Miss Furaoki make no intellectual reply, so 



128 Hashimura Togo 

we arrive inside emotion-picture show to see that 
noiseless opera. I think I shall marry her sooner 
than ever. 

Mr. Editor, Hon. Anthony Comestop and 
other celebrated purities is continuously com- 
plaining because female ladies is becoming too 
much seen in public places. Women is becom- 
ing too brave and their skirts too shrinking. 
Hon. Comestop, who are not so strong as he 
were before he took up modesty as a business, 
fainted 2]/ 2 times when he seen photos of Lady' 
Bluff-Gorgon's latest style-simpony entitled 
" Spring Twilight " and he have ordered entire 
U. S. Army to encamp at Custom House to stop 
it when she send over Fall-style walking-suit 
called " September Morn." 

Considerable ministers, judges and boss police- 
men has been talking like angry uncles to ladies 
because of the increasing decrease of their cloth- 
ing. I read in news-print last week how Hon. 
Judge Killjoy of Salem, Mass., wish to burn all 
witches under 27 years of age for bewitching 
gentlemen by the clothes they don't wear. Last 
week he order Hon. Police to grabb all ladies 
wearing dangerous skirts, but Hon. Police were 
too lazy to arrest entire female population, so he 
brought Village Belle into court, because she 
looked most so. 

Hon. Judge observe that lady's clingstone ap- 
pearance and put on eye-spectacles, because must 
see careful. 

" Mrs. Madam," he report legally like Hon. 



Lady-Fashions 129 

Taft, "I are not astonished that there are such 
delicious quantities of Cubist artists in this gen- 
eration. They are the only artists which can 
paint modern ladydress so it conceals them siffi- 
ciently." 

" Do you not like what I got on ? " she require. 

" I do not object to such smallish matters," he 
negligee. " It is for the absent that I mourn." 

" I are dressed in style," she dib feminitely. 

" You are dressed in very little else," he legal- 
ize. " I should die of shames if I should see my 
Wife promenading in street clad in such a lack." 

" I do not blame you," she snagger snubbishly. 
" I once saw your Wife in bathing suit and can 
sympathize with you." 

Hon. Judge feel considable contempt of court 
for this remark, yet he could not hang her, be- 
cause her style had not killed anybody yet. 

" Who is it buys the purchase of your ward- 
robe, such as is?" he ask to know. 

" My husband," she pronounce. 

" I shall arrest him for failure to provide," he 
renig hashly. So he lock up court in time to go 
codfish. 

Mr. Editor, numberous reformers is making 
weep-voice because ladies is coming out in worse 
& worse. Yet I are less alarmed. Styles is like 
other forms of advertisement — they are made to 
create look-at, and when this stop, they stop also. 
Ladyfashions is always worse than formerly, yet 
never so bad as they was. If you think 1913 is 
hideolous, look at 1880; if you think that uglifer- 



130 Hashimura Togo 

ous, observe 1870. Before the Uncivil War con- 
siderable preachers made considerable shock be- 
cause ladies wore their lingeries next to their 
shoes. In reign of Gen. Arthur gentlemen en- 
joyed much sorrow because ladies wore their 
skirts in Psyche knots behind their backs. And 
now they create peev because ladies does not 
wear sifficiently enough anywheres. 

At what periodical time of civilization have 
not mankind scolded ladykind for something she 
took on or put off? You would think from how 
they act that gentlemen must detest ladies for 
looking so homely. Yet suicide, divorce & popu- 
lation increases annually, which show that ladies 
can never dress too fashionable to be loved by 
someone. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XVII 
The Drama of Sex 

To Editor N. Y. Newsprint who knows how 
to go too far without arriving there. 

DEAREST SIR:— My Aunt Taki Kati, 
spinsterial suffragette from Kobe, Japan, 
arrived here of recently and say she should 
like see all the customs of America. 

" What you wish see firstly ? " I require for 
guide-bookish expression. 

" Theater," she say so. 

" Had we not better begin with some other 
slum first ? " I ask out. " There are some de- 
licious gunmen in jail this week; Tammany Hall 
are still open to tourists and I could show you 
some splandid opium smokeries in Chinatown, 
price 25c." 

"Why should I not see theater first ?" she 
require with Pankhurst eyebrows. 

" Because so," I report. " To enjoy theater 
you should a proach it gradually like any other 
bad habit. It are better to work up from mild 
to more strong. Otherwisely you might become 
ill without feeling intoxicated. Foreigners in- 
tending to see American theaters should first 
131 



132 Hashimura Togo 

take lessons in blonde-slavery, debutchery, gun- 
manliness and o. u. kiddery. Then they can 
see dramatic arts without blushing too much." 

" My stumach has been strengthened by hun- 
ger strikes," say that suffraging Japanese. 
" Therefore I can stand considerable endur- 
ance." 

" What variety play you wish observe ? " I 
say it. 

" Some simple domesticated drama," she in- 
dicate. So we went forthly for see what was. 

Mr. Editor, when we approach Broadway that 
street seem about like usual. Breathing get more 
difficulty there all time, because so many new 
theaters arise there each night, making fresh air 
umpossible. 

" I smell the odor of some smell," narrate my 
dear Aunt with chokes. 

" There is several new Viennese plots in town," 
I say so. 

While we walked we could see following flash- 
ing signs winking with wicked electricity : 

Countess Nymphia 
By Swineburg 
Openly Vicious!! 

Next sign report: 

The Girl and the Libertine 
A Horrible Hit ! ! 



The Drama of Sex 133 

Next theater divulge: 

Slightly Soiled 

The Drama of Disease ! ! 

Nearby electricity say: 

The White Slave's Frolic 
Modern Musical Comedy 
100 Shocking Songs!! 

My Aunt Taki Kati wish see this opera, be- 
cause she admire Gilbert & Sullivan for their 
tunes. So we go Box Office and ask buy sit-, 
down inside. 

" We do not sell tickets," he reply peevly. 
"Ain't you got sifficient brains in your mind to 
go to speculator when buying tickets ? " 

We find Hon. Speculator by sidewalk looking 
quite commercial. 

" 10$ each," he report with tickets. 

"Why should your price be so immodest ?" 
I snagger. 

" This are an immodest play," he snudge. 
" Also we must charge extra for this perform- 
ance because the author will be arrested after 
Act II." 

I knew we could see just as much wickedness 
for less cash money, so we walk onwards. On 
side-up street we see sign which say : 

The Limit! 
Abundantly Worst!! 



134 Hashimura Togo 

At this play we obtain sitting-room price 3$ 
each, which were deliciously cheap for so much 
sin. When we got inside there I obtain program, 
which was useless for my Aunt Taki, who do 
not understand American language, but can 
blush plenty in Japanese. Following words was 
on program: 

Evil Characters Represented 

J. W. Wineblower Vice-President 

of Vice Trust 

Mrs. Lillian Lorelei A Temptation 

Venus A poor shop girl 

There was many others on that program which 
I did not have time to see because Hon. Curtain 
go uply amidst Rector music. The scenery was 
red like it was blushing for itself. And there 
sat Hon. Mrs. Lorelei removing shoes while 
smoking opium. Pretty soonly one of her hus- 
bands encroach in and complain that Hon. Janitor 
has been putting too much water in his mor- 
phine this week. Knock-knock by door. Hon. 
Police arrive in and accept bribery. Amidst 
considerable talk about purity Hon. Miss Venus 
arrive in and say she cannot obtain sifficient vice 
for 4$ weekly in department store where she 
work. Therefore she have come. I shall tell you 
the rest when I can whisper. . . . 

Mr. Editor, when Act I were finished up my 
Aunt Taki Kati smell a bottle of Japanese salts 
for take the taste out of her nose. She say 



The Drama of Sex 135 

that if America was like this Japan must annex 
it before it decayed. She say her oldmaiden- 
hood were insulted by that sight and she was sure 
she must die dead from shocks. 

" Maybe we better go outside for ventilated 
air," I snuggest. 

" Ah no ! " she otter. " Let me faint where 
I am. If I went out I might lose my seat." 

But I feel otherwisely. I would rather drink 
my beer in some saloon where thoughts are more 
pure. So I elope outside, leaving Hon. Aunt to 
shock by herself. There was so many Presby- 
terian clergymans coming inward that I was 
nearly scrunshed in going outward. Yet I man- 
age to get to lobbed door outside. 

By Boxed Office I notice Hon. Moses Feld- 
spar, the management, talking to Chief of Police 
and other press agents. 

" You are less ashamed than formerly," I nar- 
rate hashly. 

" Why should I feel ashamed of employing 
Truth among my actresses ? " he snagger. 

" I never saw Truth behave so careless ! " I 
dib. 

" She are most truthful when naked," he ex- 
clam. 

" She are," I renig for scorns. " But when 
Hon. Stage Manager dress her in X ray skirt she 
appear entirely dishonest." 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XVIII 
Grand Opera in English 

To Editor N. Y. Newsprint who can be con- 
siderable comical without music, 

DEAREST SIR:— Cousin Nogi report to 
me recently with Oscar Hammerstein 
eyebrows. 

" Togo," he say so, " cannot grand opera be 
equally grand when pronounced in English ? " 

" Frequent theaters is now doing so with help 
of talented soprano," I say it. 

" So glad to hear ! " contuse my cousin. 
" Nextly they will be singing Salome in Japa- 
nese, which will be nice education for Japan who 
wish to be educated so quickly possible, yet like 
to know what they are talking about while doing 
so. Now they can't do, thank you. Of recently 
famous sing-song play ' Carmen ' were intro- 
duced in Yeddo. Considerable confusion en- 
joyed. When Hon. Bullfighter emerge forth 
from slaughterhouse yalling ' Tor-ee-a-do-da ! ' 
in elevator voice, all Japanese thinkers present 
imagine it was New York scenery describing 
Tammany Hall after election while Hon. Jno. P. 
Mitchel were congratulating himself on cruelty 
to tigers." 

136 



Grand Opera in English 137 

" While grand opera is in English all persons 
can understand merely by ear," I nudge g adly. 
" Will not German language lose its health it 
translated? " require Cousin Nogi. 

" Perhapsly," I collapse. " American language 
have no beautiful words like ' lustspiel and 
< Sauerbraten.' Yet maybe they could use some 
baseball language so all could seem natural. 

" At any rates," say Nogi, " it must be entirely 
enjoyous sensation to set in opera and know 
what they are talking." 

"Let us go and try one," I snuggest with 
happy hat. , ,, 

So we sonter forthly until we observe theater 
what say " Grand Opera— English Spoken here. 
We encroach to door where bull-board pro- 
nounce, "Opera Longrin by Hans Wagner, 
Famus Cyclist." r , 

Annexed to door-entrance stood one stylish 
bell-boy who hold slight program in his thumbs. 
"All words to opera 25c!" he pronounce dis- 

tm "Why * must we spent this ^$ for words, 
please?" I ask to know. 

" So understand what stage-singers say, re- 
port boy containing buttons. 
P "Do they not say it in English?" I negotiate 

PC " V Not sure," say Hon. Boy. " I have only been 

here a week." . ^ 

We step inwards and observe opera going 

ahead amid considerable crashes. 1 heard 



138 Hashimura Togo 

" Ouch ! " while I set down, but was not sure 
whether it was orchestra or merely lady I stepped 
on. 

Hon. Stage was filled with scenery, people & 
tragedy. I could not tell what that picture rep- 
resent, but it were easy to see who was there. 
King Leopold of Belgium in antique bathrobe 
were surrounded by German Samurai on bright 
banks of Erie Canal where they go for fresh air 
while being cruel in music. Hon. King grumble 
some dishagreeable barytones to goldly-hair 
daughter who step forthly in rich nightgown & 
holla, 

" O wat di spa ! " 

I turn to eye-glass gentleman next by me who 
were reading Book of Opera with piano-tuner 
expression. 

" What she mean when she say, ' O wat di 
spa ! " I requesh. 

" She say, ' O what despair ! " he pronounce 
distinctually. 

" What language was that, please ? " This 
from me. 

" English," he whisper peevly. 

" I am glad to make its acquaintance," I argue 
slightly. 

Pretty soonly, after considerable choir-noise, 
Hon. Orchestra get into dispute with brass 
homers. And look, see ! Down wet transporta- 
tion of Erie Canal come flotting one enormalously 
swollen duck and on him stands riding one han- 
sum circus man in tin clothes. Excitements. 



Grand Opera in English 139 

Hon. Tin Gentleman get off from that trained 
white chicken and throw hitching-rope around 
his stretched neck. Hon. Poultry bobb chin with 
peck-peck expression and steam away with 
promptness peculiar to commutation. Hon. Tin 
Hero wave muscles of fingers. 

" Feh-wa ! Feh-wa ! Ma fayvu swa ! " he war- 
bule with sweet lung. 

I turn to Hon. Eye-Glass next by me who still 
read Opera Book. 

" What was he said it ? " I require chivalrously. 

" He say, ' Farewell, farewell, my faithful 
swan ! ' " he snub maddishly. 

" Are he still talking English ? " I narrate. 

" Hush it ! " he snarrel. " Between your noise 
and the orchestra I cannot hear the opera." 

" If my absence will make this art easier for 
your mentality I shall cease to blockade," are 
sharp report I make while withdrawing Cousin 
Nogi outside the theater. 

Although Nagasaki by birth, I am Glasgow in 
my soul, Mr. Editor. It pangs me to spend 
money without some come-back for what I pay. 

So I enrush up to box-office with money-back 
expression. 

" I require get at leastly 35c return rebate on 
these stubbed tickets," I say so to merely financial 
gentleman who was there. 

" Why for? " dib Box Officer hashly. 

" Because is! " I reject scornly. " I pay large 
wealth to hear English. What they sung was 
otherwise." 



140 Hashimura Togo 

" That were English ! " say Money Box. 

" I could not understand it." Say me. 

" Nobody expect understood Grand Opera in 
any language," he snagger. " Be reasonable like 
Sherman Law." 

"What are grand opera for, if not?" I ask 
to know. 

" Several things. To give folks wrong im- 
pression of history and confuse them about love 
while admiring Smart Setters in diamond horse- 
shoe," he define. " This has satisfied Art for 
311 years — why should you require something 
else all of a sudden ? " 

" Then why would it not be just as good for 
Americans if sung in Chinese, Swedish or Ger- 
man ? " I negotiate. 

" Because of patriotism," he define. " Every 
man prefer to be puzzled in his own language." 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XIX 
A Lesson in Eugenics 

To Editor N. Y. Newsprint, who will please 
be more careful about choosing his ancestors in 
the future, 

DEAR SIR:— Last Wedsday night I got 
feeling of lonesome matrimony, so I put 
on Tuxedo slippers and necktie resem- 
bling Vogue. I was not sure which lady I in- 
tended for marry, but I go see Miss Tessie 
Matsuki because I could get there without car- 
fare. This Matsuki lady live over store of her 
father, Hon. J. W. Matsuki, Japanese hay & 
grain. She got considerable Vassar intelligence 
and would make nice wife for librarian. 

I found her by lamplight wearing goldly spec- 
tacles while reading enlarged volume entitle 
" Eugenic." 

She felt my biceps while shaking hands & 
seem to examine my hair for criminal traits. I 
ask her would she like go see emotion picture 
show with my accompaniment. She say no. She 
prefer set stationary and talk about Future Race, 
I explan that I did not keep up pretty well with 
sporty events, but my Cousin Nogi were entirely 
141 



142 



Hashimura Togo 



educated about racing & baseball. She give high- 
up laugh of culture. 

"Future Race are not sporty event," she de- 
fine. " It are Eugenic." 

" I got no time to think foreign languages," 
I say so while admiring her sweethearted expres- 
sion with Garden of Allah sensation. " I come 
here to ask some big importance. Would it be 
convenient to get married ? " 

" It would be no trouble however," she report 
for smiling. 

" O then we shall ! " I holla while attempting 
to hold her handclasp, but she snatch it to her- 
self. 

" If suitable I shall include you on waiting 
list," she snuggest. 

" I present you my heart," I renig for poetry. 

" Condition of lung are more important," she 
renounce. " Let me hear your deep breathing." 
I do so. She listen. " Ah ! ! I suspected what I 
supposed! Your left pulmonia has slight 
anachronism. How dare you love me ? " 

" Permit me to tell about myself ! " I yall like 
Romeo. 

" Tell me about your grandfather, instead," 
she abrupt. 

" I do not ask you marry my grandfather." 
This from me while enjoying slight agonies. 

" In Eugenic," she report, " we are expected 
to marry entire family." 

" This Eugene must come from Utah," I snib. 
"My grandfather would not permit such ille- 



A Lesson in Eugenics 143 

gality. He were married once, which were too 
many. Also he are dead. It are immoral to 
marry dead folks." 

"What he die from?" she romp forth. 
" Asthma of knees," I pronounce. 
" So ha! Then you got diseases in family! 
" You expect my ancestors to die from being 
too healthy? " I ask to know. " Perhapsly Hon. 
Eugene who wrote that book will teach us how 
to do so." 

" He expects to arrange everything, she com- 
pose proudishly. "His speciality will be mar- 
riage. Youngly persons will be selected carefully 
like Luther Burbank choose best potatoes for 
crop." 

" Will this Hon. Eugene make some new mar- 
riage ceremony ? " I otter. 

"That have been arrange also," she tell. 
" When 2 Eugeniuses wish get married following 
program will be enjoyed: 

"Joy-bells will be jungled from tip-top of 
gymnasium where members of Board of Health 
will act as Ushers, admitting relatives after ex- 
amining their tonsils. Talented vaudeville per- 
formers will play ' Weddlesohn's Mending 
March' on Indian clubs while Bride & Bride- 
broom, wearing Annit Kellerman bathing suits to 
show no deception had been concealed, will walk 
up aisle hand-in-hand with parents wearing rub- 
ber gloves. Bride must not blush, because that 
are sign of weak heart and Bridebroom must not 
seem nervus, because that indicate tendency to 



144 Hashimura Togo 

allipeptic fits. After dumb-bell drill Rev. 
Preacher will step uply." 

" What Rev. Preacher will do this ceremony ? " 
I inquest. 

" Not sure/' she negotiate. " Perhaps Rev. 
Billy Sunday might do, because of muscular re- 
ligion." 

" What shall this marriage service say ? " is 
next question for me. 

" It say following dialog : 

Rev. Mr. , Do you love this woman? 

Bridebroom — No. 

Rev. Mr. , Woman, you love this man ? 

Bride— No. 

Rev. Mr. Good. You have no inherited 

instinct. You swear there is no fits, insanity or 
general ability in family? (They swear.) 

Then stick out tongues, please. That will do, 
thank you. I make you manandwife." 

Miss Tessie Matsuki look to me reproachly 
when saying this. 

" What happen pretty soonly after marriage ? " 
I snuggest. 

" Baby," she pronounce. " He are born per- 
fect without a blamish or any other sign of hu- 
manity. He are gave perfectly balanced name 
like Sandow Socrates Shakespeare Scagg. In 
babyhood he are never kissed. In schoolday he 
are never spanked. In manhood he are never 
loved. And so he grow upward." 

" What do he become, after so much exercise 
— a Congressman, perhapsly?" 



A Lesson in Eugenics 145 

" How could he ? Congressmans are noted for 
imperfection." 

" Then perhapsly he would be novelist or play- 
right?" 

" Ah never yet ! " she snatch. " How could 
perfect Man be connected in trade with 
Jack London, Gus Thomas and other rough 
boys?" 

"Yet there might be some jobs for him. He 
could be machinery engineer of prominent great- 
ness." 

" Not possibly ! " she reject. " Should we per- 
mit such model gentleman to build subways for 
political scandals ? " 

"But this Eugenics Baby must choose some 
activity of work. Shall he be too good for any 
profession when grown up ? " 

"Indeed will!" she holla. "He will be a 
Father." 

"Father of what?" I require with alarmed 
teeth. 

" Of children similar to himself." 

" Miss Tessie Matsuki," I denominate punc- 
tually while choosing my hat from table, " ex- 
cuse my escape. I wish for search out some 
young lady who will prove her unfitness to marry 
by falling in love. Please excuse ! " 

" Uncivilized brain ! " she snarrel. " Go 
forthly! Such depraved minds like yours drive 
tacks into the feet of Science when he try to 
progress. And yet the world do move, in spite 
of Tammany Hall." 



146 Hashimura Togo 

" Tammany Hall also move occasionally," I 
corrode with Fusion expression. 

So I elope away full of low character. 
Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XX 
Togo's Christmas Day in the Morning 

To Editor Good Housekeep Magazine who 
realise how it must be more expensive to give 
than to receive. 

DEAR MR. SIR:— Merry Xmas thoughts 
fill me with something else. My brain 
refuse to ring bells in connection with this 
annual jingling. Perhapsly it is because of fol- 
lowing anecdote which happen to me: 

At home of Mrs. & Mr. J. Poke, Rockpile, 
N J. which is on the list of places where I am 
no longer there, I was employed in their midst. 
That family contained only two (2) complete 
children, but they were sifficiently plenty. By 
name they was Hester and Lester, aged 5 & 7 
respectfully. These youngly persons, when 
healthy, was full of childly amusements including 
dish-break, runaway, knockabouts, and whittling 
pensils with Father's safety razor 

But by approach of Xmas time they suddenly 
became otherwise. I notice this because I seen 
it They walk around with Y. M. C. A. expres- 
sion of toes and seem too good to be happy. 

" Oh childish children ! " I require from them, 
147 



148 Hashimura Togo 

"why so you do so? Do you enjoy some sleep- 
ing sickness to make you thusly silent ? " 

" Hush it ! " they depose. " Xmas are com- 
ing!" 

" Are Xmas, then, such saddish event that you 
should await it without cheers ? " I ask to 
know. 

" Oh, not is ! " they ollicute. " But, unless we 
behave very Sunday-school, Hon. St. Claus will 
not arrive with gifts of great cash valuation." 

I stand gast for this phenominal. So I go to 
Hon. Mrs. Poke and require from her, " Hon. 
Mrs. Madam," I say so, " who are this Hon. St. 
Claus who seem so Carnegie in his gifts?" 

" He resemble Hon. Doc Cook," she cnuggest, 
with slyly winking. " No such person ever was." 

" How so ! " I snatch off for horrors. " Then 
I must inform Hon. Hester & Lester about this 
mistaken personality." 

" Not to do ! " she snagger peevly. 

" Why should not ? " I ask to know, with 
eyebrows. 

" Because thus," she say it. " I told them 
about this Hon. St. Claus from my own voice." 

" How you could be so deceptive ? " I terrify. 

" I do this to make my children less sinful in 
their comportment," she snuggest. " When they 
go around making gunman noises, I holla, ' Stop 
before Hon. St Claus hear you and refuse to 
come!' If they tell untruthful lies, I humiliate 
them by reproaching, ' Hon St Claus will snub 
you for this untruthfulness ! ' " 



Christmas Day in the Morning 149 

"Honesty are nice exercise for children to 
learn/' I corrode. 

She make pleasant face for reply. ^ 
" On Xmas night-before," she explan, me & 
Hon. Mr. Poke set up slight candle-tree in dining- 
room. We cluster this foliage with ornaments 
to resemble circus, and by foot of it we place 
extended quantities of drums, guns, horns, can- 
nons, velocipedes, baseballs and other tools with 
which home can be broke. In dawn-break of 
morning Hon. Dear Children come down and 
observe. 'Who sent it?' they require. Hon. 
St Claus bring it because you was truthful childs, 
we report. ' How he get in? ' they ask to know. 
* He slid down chimbley-pipe,' we say back de- 
ceptively. So merry Xmas is enjoyed by all. 

"Are it not somewhat sinful to relate them 
fibbulous tale to tender child?" I negotiate. 

"Ah no!" she abstract. "If childhood 
should not believe in St Claus, then most happy 
times would relapse forever. Togo, you must 
do everything what possible to make them be- 
lieve in this whisker-gentleman." < 

"I shall attempt to think up something de- 
liriously deceptive," are smart answer I make. 

As Xmas date approach up, Hon. Hester & 
Lester become more fidgettous in their psy- 

" "This morning I dishcover 6 boxes labeled 
' Smith's Toy Store ' in basement of cellar," pro- 
nounce Hon. Lester. " What could be in it? 



150 Hashimura Togo 

" Coal is frequently packed in toy-boxes," I 
renounce. 

" It look very deceptive to me," deploy infant 
Hester. 

" At times I are discouraged about St Claus," 
narrate Hon. Lester. 

"So sinful thought!" I holla. 

" How could I believe in gentleman I never 
seen ? Where is his photo ? I suspect." 

" Many distinguished persons is shy about 
photos," I abrupt. 

" Perhapsly," aggrevate Hon. Lester. " Yet 
other things I cannot understand with brain. 
Hon. Parents tell me how Hon. St Claus comes 
sliding down chimbley-pipe with gifts. I have 
awaited many nights to observe this downfall, 
yet he never come. Therefore he ain't." 

" If you should seen him make in-shoot by 
chimbley-pipe, would you believe this whiskered 
fairy ? " I ask it. 

" Oh, surely yes ! " response Hester & Lester 
together like chorus girls. 

" Then on Xmas morning you shall observe 
him ! " I abrogate with earnest expression of 
teeth. 

On date previously before Xmas I go to town- 
village with weekly salary, price $5, and pur- 
chase considerable wheel-cart, squeak-doll, jump- 
up- Jack, and other childish amusement. These I 
poke under overcoat and retreat home slyly like 
snails walking over upholstery. 

When night time was there, Hon. Hester & 



Christmas Day in the Morning 151 

Lester was cruelly sent to bedtime and locked 
asleep so they would not find out about Hon bt 
Claus. As soonly as they make sleep, Mrs. & Mr 
Poke command me for bring forth Xmas-tree. 1 
make him grow from soap-box in dining-room. 1 
assist intelligently hanging this foliage with tin 
fruit, including numberous candles standing on 
limbs to resemble candy fireworks. While Hon. 
Poke boss my enthusiasm, I fetch forth consid- 
erable heavy toy-boxes from basement of cellar. 
Back^broke feelings by me. Yet I continue this 
labors until mixed assortment of Xmas stood by 
tree with deceptive labels about Hon bt Claus. 

At 1 o'clock hour a. m. Mrs. and Mr. retire 
bedward, exhausted from observing my work 
But my dutiful labors had just commenced I 
must prepare to show those childish children 
how Hon. Mr. Claus down-slide down chimbley- 

P1 Ail house was full of darkness. Frozen moon- 
light outside. With sneekret feetsteps, like 
snakes swimming in oil, I approach to closet and 
fetch forth following articles of clothes : 

1 minkish ottomobile coat 

2 boots of rubberly exterior 
1 cap from Eskimo leather 

y 2 lb cotton resembling whisker. 

I drop all them presents I bought inside one 
laundry-bag, place myself into those garments of 
clothes then with detective toes I descend up 
through attric to where chimbley-pipe was on 
roof. 



152 Hashimura Togo 

4 o'clock time now approach. Making affec- 
tionate hugs to Hon. Chimbley, I could tell it was 
Xmas by the feel of the themometer. By peek- 
ing down Hon. Chimbley, I could see how it was 
sifficiently large hole to permit my Japanese 
smallness — yet I must compress myself to do so. 
I enjoyed considerable nervusness like heroes ex- 
pecting to dive down Mt. Vesuvius. 

Pretty soonly 6 a. m. was there and I was not 
yet froze completely hard. By listening down 
chimbley-pipe with telephone expression, I could 
hear childhood voices coming down-stairs say- 
ing " Oh ! ! " It were time for me to make some 
slide. 

I pull y 2 \b cotton to my chin, snuggle Hon. 
Bag to back, and commence climbing into 
chimbley. What was? Distinctually I could 
smell slight smudj of smoke coming upwards! 
Yet it were too late. Already I was slipping, 
down-sliding slowly. Great chokes enjoyed. 
When nearly down I stuck up suddenly. More 
chokes. 

" Oh, hellup, hellup ! " I gollup. 

" Who there ? " demand Hon. Poke below- 
down. 

" Hon. St Claus containing smoke ! " I yellup. 
" Make haste or else be quick ! " 

Some individual persons grabb me at toes. 
With intense drag I was pulled forth to fire- 
place where blazes was. My cottonly whisker 
become inflamed, and in desperado attempt I 
clash against Xmas-tree which tottle over amidst 



Christmas Day in the Morning 153 

horble fire-alarms. Great holla by all. Then I 
am a hero, as usual. While all others make 
hook-and-ladder noise, I embrace Hon. Tree 
with elbows and reject him outwards through 
window. Of finally all was silent, except slight 
smell of smudj. 

" What impossibility are you attempting to act 
like?" require Hon. Mrs. sarcastly. 

" Hon. St Claus," I report. 

" Why you no entrance by door ? " shreech 
Hon. Mr. with wounded knuckle. 

" Doors is not respectable for Saints to come 
in by," I devote. 

" They are plenty for Japanese to go out by," 
resnort him, escorting me outwards with brutal 
jam. 

And when I was deploying away from there I 
hear Hester & Lester report in voice together: 

" We have saw Hon. St Claus. We do not 
care to meet such a person ! " 

So I depart off feeling like an umpossibility. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



XXI 
The Head of the House 

To Editor Good Housekeeping Magazine, 
civilized personality who knows everything about 
home except what goes on, 

DEAR SIR: — Last place from which I was 
rebounded were home of Mrs. & Mr. An- 
nette Pratt, Curfew Glen, N. J. These 
individuals, though not peculiar from themselves, 
had home-names what distincted them entirely. 
Hon. Mrs. Pratt was Mother Love, Hon. Mr. 
Pratt was Father Darling and Hon. Daughter 
Pratt was Mabel Dear. This Mabel Dear was 
half -past schoolgirl age. She enjoy such aggre- 
vated health that her mother make considerable 
worry for her. 

" Why should not Mabel Dear help Togo make 
housework ? " require Hon. Husband while see- 
ing her idly resting. 

" She must enjoy her headaches each morning 
during housekeep hours," snuggest Mother Love. 
" It are fashionable to be illhealthy until noon." 

" Her illhealthiness do not keep her from ten- 
nis-play, night-set-upv, tango & flirtating which 
she do considerable," commute Hon. Him with 
grouches in his voice. 

154 



The Head of the House 155 

" Fortunately she can accomplish slight duties 
expected of any high-bread girl," gollup Hon. 
Mrs. 

" When I was boy my mother knew nothing 
about Vermin Castle dance, yet she could make 
doughnut, quilt, soap, beds and many other de- 
licious home cooking," he glub. 

" Father Darling," yellup Mabel Dear from 
her sofa where she layed with her fatigue, 
" Mother Love says I can have new Harper's 
Bazar dress for Judkins-Perkins wedding fes- 
tival ball." 

" I am too busy going to my office ! " he snar- 
rel while departing with door. 

This Mabel Dear are Miss Lady of such great 
importantness that it give me great sorrow of 
brain to think she was born to merely New Jersey 
condition of real estate. When Hon. Father 
pass off she tell this sadness to her mother. 

" Mother Love," she say so, " it create con- 
siderable humility in my prides for see Togo 
open doors with soapsuds thumbs when Hon. 
Percy Twill, whose home contain several butlers, 
arrive here for flirtation and observe our 
poverty." 

" Mabel Dear I sympathize to you for our 
downslide in world. Since marriage to Father 
Darling I have expected very . little. Before 
marriage my home was entirely surrounded by 
footmen." 

" Why you no brought 3 or 4 of those here ? " 
are bright question for me. 



156 Hashimura Togo 

" Eavesdripper ! Return to kitchen duty ! " 
they holla together like chorus girls. Yet I heard 
more from other keyholes. 

"How I go to Judkins-Perkins dance with 
only one dress ? " I hear Mabel Dear ask it. 

" Are not one dress sifficient for one dance ? " 
I require silently from myself while refraining 
my voice. 

" I cannot tell what Father Darling does with 
all his money," dement Hon. Mrs. " He receive 
$240. per monthly yet we enjoy less luxury than 
the rich. Perhapsly he are gambling in stocks." 

" Result of his selfishness I are the worst 
dressed girl in the Curfew Glen Smart Set," cor- 
rods Hon. Mabel amidst sobs. 

" If you had married Father Darling you would 
realize why ladies goes on hungry strikes," snib 
Hon. Mrs. 

And so onwards. 

When Hon. Pratt retreat homewards at night 
he usually carry complete bookkeeper library 
under his arm so he can spent tired evening find- 
ing who stole that 22c from firm of Obediah 
Pennypicker & Co. by which he is owned. Con- 
siderable hours each evening he set to table with 
eyeglasses and commonpeople expression on his 
face while he read that arithmetic. Pretty soonly 
income Hon. Mrs. & Hon. Miss dishguised in 
pinksilk Marlborough clothing and intending to 
go outwards. 

" Such stylish ! " report Hon. Father looking 
at. 



The Head of the House 157 

" This are not stylish," renig Hon. Mabel 
Dear while spatting her Newport hairs. " This 
dress are made from remnant bargains. It are 
next to nothing." 

" It seem so at the neck," ollicute he humor- 
istically. " Girl wears but little here below but 
wears that little long. To what social Durbar 
are you going to ? " 

" The My Cream Tango Tipsickery Circle," 
negotiate Hon. Miss. " O Father Darling, why 
you no go long? If oncely you did you might 
make less cruel talking." 

" Maybe I shall," report Hon. Pa laying down 
bookkeep volume. 

"Father Darling!" hissy Hon. Mrs. "What 
you thinking of to say that? You could not go 
society as is. The necktie you wear insults our 
pride of family." 

" I go where I pleases." This from him with 
glares. 

" Why so independence ? " She say it. 

" Are I not head of this house? " he require. 

" Yes, Father Darling," she file off. " There- 
fore it is your duty to stay home and look over 
$90. groceries bill." 

She poke forth Hon. Bill and leave husbandly 
man to his sorry. 

Hon. Mr. Pratt work lonesomely till 9.44 
clocktime. Then he fold away books and go to 
emotion picture show. At 11. 11 clocktime he 
come backwards smoking intense cigar. I was 
setting on front porch enjoying beauty of moon- 



158 Hashimura Togo 

shin amidst Japanese poetry. He observe me 
there and donate 1 cigar price 5c while he sat 
down next beside me with chumness of college 
boy. 

"Togo," he say it at lastly while we make 
twin puffs; " are I head of this house or are 
not I?" 

" Are indeed ! " I say kindly because thankful 
for cigar. 

" Then why should I be battered continu- 
ously ? " This from him. 

" Heads are always punched," I define. 

" I are breadwinner without being allowed to 
keep winnings, I are — ." 

" You are an American father," thusly I re- 
port. "You should learn to be a Japanese 
father." 

" How you do it ? " he ask with eggerness. 

" Japanese father are steam-roller Czar. Wife 
are sipposed to approach him with frightened el- 
bows, daughter must be sipposed to ask for 
favors and not get it. All parties, presents, etc. 
are given by him. All servants must attend his 
selfishness while neglecting females around 
house." 

" I shall move to Japan ! " he cheer up. 

" You needs not," I snuggest. " I shall be 
your Japanese slave and teach you how be 
Japanese father. Tomorrow a. m. you can com- 
mence ordering your home around like a floor- 
walker. Continually remember inferiorness of 
everybody but yourself and feel as sacred as 



The Head of the House 159 

possible. Heads shall be chopped for imperti- 
nence to you." 

"I shall enjoy that!" he stotter with smiling 
teeth. 

At that moments carriage approach upward 
through moonlit and Wife & Daughter make 
getout. 

"You up, Father Darling?" require Hon. 
Mrs. with shock tone. " I can smell beer in your 
breathing. Man of your aged respectability 
should not be boistering at night amidst low- 
living friendship." 

She make dragoon expression to me while hail- 
ing Father away. 

Next morning while it was breakfast Father 
Darling sat looking very Caesar where breakfast 
was not cooked while I go through with tray 
containing grape-orange, omelit, lady-toast and 
slight tea for Hon. Mabel Dear who enjoyed 
headache as usual. 

" Lay that tray on table bef ront of me ! " 
holla Hon. Mr. with commander voice. 

" Father Darling ! " yellup Hon. Mrs. who was 
there, " what you intend do with Mabel Dear's 
headache food ? " 

" Eat it ! " he snarrel while I laid Hon. Tray 
befront of him with complete courtesy of Japa- 
nese bows. 

" Are it customary for you to be taking com- 
forts in this house from others ? " Eagles spoke 
in her tone. 



160 Hashimura Togo 

" It are not," he negotiate with egg spoon, " yet 
it shall be from now onwards." 

" Am I to be dishobeyed in home ? " she re- 
quire shilly. 

"Why not?" he ask to know ("Togo, bring 
one jar mammalade and considerable more cof- 
fee.) Yes, Mother Love, I have caught com- 
muter train for 43^ years without breakfast. 
Now I am turning over a new sheet. Here- 
afterly I shall be Political Boss of my house- 
hold. Not only shall I be considered 1st in 
serving comfort, but my servants shall be my 
complete slavers, similar like they are in Japan. 
Are this not so, Togo?" 

" Ah yes, exalted-up Sire ! " I worship while 
bending my base stumach. 

" Huh ! " snuggest Hon. Mrs. with Huerta ex- 
pression. " Togo, go immediately upwards to 
Mabel Dear's room and deliver complete break- 
fast to door." 

" Togo," depose Hon. Mr. looking clamly 
cruel, " go immediately upward to Mabel Dear's 
room and make knock-knock to door. When 
Mabel Dear answer say so, ' Your Rev. Father 
demand you get upward at oncely and help wash- 
dish and other healthful exercise." 

I go. I do so. When Mabel Dear hear 
knock-knock she poke forth girlish cap and 
decry, " What for, imported heathenish ? " 

"Your Royal & Exalted Up Hon. Father re- 
quire you make immediate get up for wash disH 
and be natural like ancestors," I commit. 



The Head of the House 161 

She shreech. Slam door. Downstairs I could 
hear similar warcry while sounds of smelling 
salts, hysteria etc. could be heard from dining 
room. 

Eloping to window I could observe Hon. Mr. 
evaporating down path in depot direction. 

" Togo ! " voice of Mrs. from down there. 

I make no correspondence to her tone. 

" Togo, will you come downward or shall you 
be thrown ? " 

Still I conceal my words. Ring-ring by tele- 
phone could be distinctually heard. 

" Togo," she say more plaintiffly, " there is 
command here by telephone from your Royal 
Lordmaster Sir Exalted Pratt." 

" I go downward and obey," is meakness from 
me. 

I emerge down there and put that electricity to 
my ear. 

"Hello!" 

" Yes. This are Boss Pratt. Togo, I have 
reconsidered my life on way to depot. I am 
very respectful to your Oriental uncivilization 
and know what you snuggest can be ac- 
complished 10,000 miles distant from New 
Jersey. Howeverley, I are expected to return 
to New Jersey every night, so difference must 
be." 

" In Japan you would never make such week- 
ness resembling mice," I ollicute distinctually. 

" Undoubtlessly. And since you are so crazed 
about Japan, maybe you should return there and 



1 62 



Hashimura Togo 



teach Domestic Science where it shall be under- 
stood." 

" Then you mean say I am discharged ? " 

" Like a gun ! " he snibber while hanging tele- 
phone. 

So I arrive to backdoor and obtain immediate 
farewell feeling that Man is superior to Woman, 
but that Woman are on Jobs more frequently 
all day. 

Hoping you are the same, 

Yours truly, 

Hashimura Togo. 



A 



